beard

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to lick them, gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

Two fleas meet on Miami beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.

The warm flea asks, “Why do you always show up shivering?” The cold flea replies, “I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker’s beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold ! To this the warm flea replies, “You’re doing it all wrong, if you’re from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you’re on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me.”

Next year comes around and there’s the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering. The warm flea says, “What happened? I thought I told you what to do?”

“You did,” says the cold flea, “and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad’s leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I’M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!”

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard: “Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face without it.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, pleasse?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

“Oh, really, I can’t,” he replies. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she is sleeping. She rouses slightly, feels his face and replies, “Oh, Tom, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

These are 10 different ways of knowing that your kid is too old for breast freeding.

10. He can open the blouse himself.
9. While sucking one breast he caresses the other one.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses the milk as a creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos”.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

A woman goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

“Well”, says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you will have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“Oh no!” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”

The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.”

“That’s what I want!” exclaims the woman. “Let’s do that.”

Six months later, the woman charges into the doctor’s office. “Well, how is the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“Terrible!” the woman bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady”, the doctor retorts, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”