Jokes News

An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day, while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in.

He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?”

The doctor says, “Yeah, but I’m certainly glad I’m not a gynecologist!”

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for awhile, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s rear was that glass eye staring right back at him!

Taken aback, the doctor said, “You know, you really must learn to trust me.”

Why does a doctor need to control his temper?

Because he doesn’t want to lose his patients!

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was just coming down to kill you!”

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.

The Doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”

“No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”

“Wait,” said the engineer. “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?”

“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer….

A man walked into a doctor’s office, and said, in a very, very deep and bellowing voice “Doctor, I hate my voice, it’s too deep. Can you do anything about it?”

The doctor replied “Well, let’s see. Pull down your pants. Ah, there’s the problem. Your penis is 14 inches long. The extra weight is pulling down, which is stretching out your vocal chords. That is why you have a deep voice”.

“Can you do any thing about it?” replied the man in his deep voice.

“Well, I could cut 8 inches off of your penis, that should relieve the pressure, and your voice should be normal”

“Yes doc, do it now!” bellowed the man.

A week later the man had a follow-up appointment. When he saw the doctor, he said, in a normal voice, “Doc! Thanks! I love my new voice. There is only one problem. I can’t please my wife anymore. Could you please put a few inches back?”

In a very, very deep voice, the doctor said, “No, I’m afraid that wouldn’t be possible.”

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

The doctor says, “I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

St. Peter replies, “That’s great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about you?”

The nurse states, “I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things to patients and have helped them lead healthy lives.”

“Wonderful! Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?”

The HMO executive says, “I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country.”

St. Peter says, “Oh, I see. Please go on in …but you can only stay two nights!”

A man went to his doctor for a check up. At the end of the appointment his doctor said, ” I have some good news and some bad news.”

The man said, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor said, “You have 3 days to live.” Frantic, the man asked,” And what’s the good news?”

The doctor replied, “You know the receptionist with the humongous tits? I’m f*cking her.”

A flat-chested blonde wanted to have her breasts enlarged but she did not want to undergo surgery. So she consulted a witch doctor who gave her a pill to swallow. After swallowing the pill, the blonde was told by the witch doctor that what she had swallowed was a magic pill. Everytime a man would say the word ‘pardon’ to her, her breasts would grow an inch bigger.

After leaving the office of the witch doctor, the blonde bumped into a male pedestrian who said, “Pardon me, ma’am.” Immediately she felt her breasts growing an inch. The blonde was ecstatic that the magic pill was working. At a busy street corner, a hurried delivery boy bumped into her and said, “Beg your pardon, miss.” Again her breasts grew an inch bigger.

Feeling the need to celebrate, the blonde walked into a Chinese restaurant to order her favorite dish. When she was walking towards an unoccupied table, a Chinese waiter accidentally bumped into the blonde. The waiter bowed several times and said, “A thousand pardons, madam!”

The next day, the headlines read, “Chinese waiter crushed by a pair of torpedoes!”

A blonde went to the doctor with both of her ears burned. When he asked what happened she replied, “Well I was ironing my clothes when someone called and I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“I see,” said the doctor, “but how did you burn the other ear?”

“The creep called back!”