Jokes News

This is the actual telephone dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.”
“Does it have little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.Can you see that?”
“Mmm…..Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…..”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.” “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes…the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now…Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too damn stupid to own a computer.”

It’s more than obvious: The high technology of the information age isn’t for everyone.

Consider the man standing by the office fax machine and scratching his head when a co-worker walks by.

“Do you know anything about this fax machine?” the puzzled fellow asks.

“A little. What’s wrong?”

“Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

“How did you load the sheet?” the other worker asks.

“Well, it’s confidential, so I folded it in half, like this, so no one else could read it.”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says:
“Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct and yet it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you’re in the same position as you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A Physicist and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Physicist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to take a nap,so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Physicist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Physicist now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!” This catches the Engineer’s
attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Physicist asks the first question. “What’s the distance from Earth to Neptune?” The Engineer doesn’t say a word,
but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Physicist.

Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Physicist “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Physicist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Physicist, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”

….without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Physicist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

A. The sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being!!

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.

A new assessment exercise…

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

Memo to: the Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation

1> Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
2> hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3> wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4> thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5> finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6> measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
7> coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8> vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9> knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10> classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11> dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12> promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13> sent away as soon as possible.
- TLP
Project Leader
(Later that afternoon another memo was sent…)

Memo to: the Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation

Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7…) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
TLP
Project Leader

Follow these directions exactly!

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don’t know about??
Or does he actually has a sense of humour..??

1. Open a new document in WORD
2. Type “Unable to follow directions” (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)and then read out the result…