Jokes News

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $10.”

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What? Are you crazy?”

Murray things for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it!”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. “Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.

The father blows his top. “Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, ‘How longa you gonna be?’”

A Meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the Meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice, wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”

The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks the Meshulach.

“Sir, I am positive,” replies the homeowner.

“But,” says the meshulach, “It says right here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish,” replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

“Look, Sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you SURE you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.

“For the last time, Sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, Alav Hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five completed their game standing up.

Whereupon, Finkelstein looked around and asked, “Who is going to tell the wife?” They drew straws.

Goldberg, who was always a loser, picked the short one. His fellow cardplayers told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me.”

Goldberg schlepped over to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked Goldberg what he wanted. Goldberg declared, “Your husband just lost $500 at the poker game.”

She hollered, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”

Goldberg said, “I’ll tell him.”

Weddings: A Jewish father, Moishe, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak… “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila… “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father.. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien,” replies the son. “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok…as long as you’re happy….my blessings to you both,” replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah…

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, “Father…I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son, “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moishe…”But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, father…”

“Ok…then you too have my blessing,” intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray.. “Please God…let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl …to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes….PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the Spring.”

“Her NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Dr. Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moishe. “Must be Atty. Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah…no, father,” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi!” says Chutzpah.

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from sleep, went to the bathroom and neglected to notice that the seat had been left up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.

During this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a certain part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of over his wife’s exposed privates, his yarmulke skull cap.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look, and commented: “Well, I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”

2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, “Did you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?”
Sam replies, “Oh thank God … I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”

5) Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: “They tried to kill us …we won … let’s eat!”

6) A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replies.

7) What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“I have an Indian name too,” he says. “It’s ‘Running Water’ and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says.
“I already do,” says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva.”

9) A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
Concerned the son asks, “Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days,” she replies.
Shocked, the man responds, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

10) Jewish view on when life begins:
- Actually, there is no controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

11) A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” she asks. The boy excitedly answers, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!”

12) Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

13) 5760 - Year according to Jewish calendar.
4696 - Year according to Chinese calendar.
1064 - Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The kind was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about
his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

“You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?’” Arafat asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Any day you die, will be a Jewish holiday.”

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it is 20% off.