Jewish Jokes

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $10.”

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What? Are you crazy?”

Murray things for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it!”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. “Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.

The father blows his top. “Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, ‘How longa you gonna be?’”

A Meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the Meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice, wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”

The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks the Meshulach.

“Sir, I am positive,” replies the homeowner.

“But,” says the meshulach, “It says right here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish,” replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

“Look, Sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you SURE you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.

“For the last time, Sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, Alav Hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five completed their game standing up.

Whereupon, Finkelstein looked around and asked, “Who is going to tell the wife?” They drew straws.

Goldberg, who was always a loser, picked the short one. His fellow cardplayers told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me.”

Goldberg schlepped over to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked Goldberg what he wanted. Goldberg declared, “Your husband just lost $500 at the poker game.”

She hollered, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”

Goldberg said, “I’ll tell him.”

Weddings: A Jewish father, Moishe, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak… “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila… “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father.. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien,” replies the son. “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok…as long as you’re happy….my blessings to you both,” replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah…

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, “Father…I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son, “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moishe…”But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, father…”

“Ok…then you too have my blessing,” intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray.. “Please God…let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl …to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes….PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the Spring.”

“Her NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Dr. Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moishe. “Must be Atty. Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah…no, father,” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi!” says Chutzpah.