Jokes News

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said, in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to cuss about?”

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”

The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”

The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course, the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.” The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance, I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”

With that, the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing. When he gets up to the 16th hole, he tees up and really cranks one. Unfortunately he slices the ball into the woods on the side of the fairway. While in the woods looking for his ball, the guy comes across this little guy lying flat on his back with a huge knot on his head and a golf ball lying right beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that any man would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a good golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds his ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

“I’m fine,” the leprechaun answers, “and might I ask how your golf game is?”

“It’s great! I’m under par every time I play,” Answers the man.

“I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?” asks the leprechaun.

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you, too. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Not bad, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?”

“Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenskeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

One day Jesus and Moses are out golfing.
Jesus is of course winning and starts to think highly of himself.

They get to the top of this one hill on the tenth hole, and Jesus pulls out a five iron, when he should have clearly pulled out a nine iron.

Moses walks up to him and says, “Are you crazy, you should be using a nine iron, not that five iron”.

“Arnold Palmer would use this five iron”, Jesus replied.
So Jesus, using the wrong club, hits the ball way too far to the left.

“Aw Shucks”, says Jesus.

So Jesus walks up to the ball and again uses his five iron, instead of the appropriate seven iron.

Moses walks up to him again and warns him of his upcoming mistake.

“Arnold Plamer would use this club if he were playing”, said Jesus.
And like the last time the ball goes way off course and unfortunately lands in a water trap.

About this time two golfers come up behind Moses and Jesus, and walk over and start talking with Moses.

Jesus, chasing after his ball, goes down to the water trap and walks out over the lake looking for his ball.

The men talking with Moses see this and in astonishment ask him, “Who does that man think he is, Jesus Christ!?”

Moses replies, “No, he thinks he is Arnold Palmer”!

Q.)What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was bad?
A.) They rearranged the furniture!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really bad?
A.) The stomped on her Braille books with golf shoes!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really really bad?
A.) They left the plunger in the toilet!

Q.) Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
A.) She was a woman!

Once there was a man who went to play golf with his priest.

He was on the third hole and only 3 feet away from the hole. He putted his shot and missed. “God Damn it!” the man yelled. The priest replied that it was a sin to say God’s name in vain. The man saw that his priest was correct and apologized.

Later he was on the 15th hole and only 2 feet away, when he missed the shot and yelled “God damn it!” The priest replied that it was a sin to speak of God in vain. The man realized his mistake and that his father was right and apologized.

Later after that he was on the 18th hole and if he made a 6 inch put he would win the entire game. He of course missed and as before yelled “God damn it, I missed!” The priest was disturbed as times before and angrily shook his head as he was about to speak.

Just as the priest was correcting the man and said, “It is a….” A huge bolt of lightning came down from the skies and struck the priest dead on the spot. Then came a huge rumbling voice that shuck the ground as it said, “God damn it, I missed!”

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said, “Sure.” So they teed off.

About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the man did for a living, so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They nervously chuckled.

The man said, “No, really! I am a hitman My gun is in my golf bag. Carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look, if you like.”

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?”

The stranger said, “Sure.”

So the man looked for a second and said, “YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!”

This upset the man, so he asked the hit man how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, “It’s $1,000 every time I pull the trigger.”

The man said, “$1,000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He looks for about 5 minutes and the man starts to get impatient. He asks the hitman what he is waiting for.

The hitman replies, “Just hold on now…I’m about do the job with ONE BULLET and save you a thousand bucks.”