Jokes News

It was 5 o’clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, “This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!”

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, “Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!” The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers, so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!”

Yo Mamma’s so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday!

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “It’s my birthday. How about a free drink?”

“Sure,” says the barkeep, “the mens’ toilet’s on the right.”

yo momma so damn dumb she lit a match to see if she blew out all the candles on her birthday cake.

yo momma so damn dumb she tried to change the channel on a T.V. dinner.

yo momma so damn dumb she thought the Last Supper was when Jesus ran out of food stamps.

There once was a woman who had never been married. So on her 38th birthday she decided to get herself a dildo.

(keep in mind the sound a vibrating dildo makes.)(brrr…)

So she used the dildo often until one day when she finally met someone.

They went to her place and they started to get their groove on when he asked her what she wanted him to do.

She replied, “Say something sexy to me.”

And the guy said, “Like what?”

“I dunno, something like ‘burrrrrrrrrrrrrr’.”

Little Johnny was so rotton that his mother didn’t know what to do with him. It was getting close to his birthday and he was demanding a new bicycle. His mother told him that he had been so bad during the year that he wasn’t going to get ANYTHING. He whined and complained and stamped his feet–demanding the bike. His mother, in desperation and just trying to shut him up, said, “Why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and ask Him for the bicycle?”
So Johnny went to his room, got out pencil and paper and proceeded to ask Jesus for a new bike.

“Dear Jesus, I promise I will be good for SIX whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle!” —He looked at what he wrote—knew he could not be good for that long and tore up the letter. He started again–”Dear Jesus. I will be good for THREE whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle.” Once again, he had written the impossible and tore up the letter. “Dear Jesus, How does ONE week sound?” again, he tore it up.

Finally, he sneaked into his mother’s room, stole a statue of the Virgin Mary, hid it in his underwear drawer, and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again–I’d better get that new bike!”

A reporter, interviewing an old fisherman who had reached his 99th birthday, said, “I certainly hope I can come back again next year and see you reach 100.”

“Can’t see why not, young man,” the old fisherman said. “You look healthy enough to me.”

Yo Mamma so stupid she threw herself a surprise birthday party!

Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he
said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”

Upon getting to work one morning, a businessman is reminded by his secretary that it was his wife’s birthday. At lunch, he goes to the mall and tries to find a gift for her. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

So, the businessman goes into a lingerie store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. It was $500, but well worth it to him. So, he takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once she opened her gift, she realized that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’d really surprise her husband and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, “Honey, come out to the hallway and look.” The husband walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, “$500 and they don’t even bother to iron the thing!”