Jokes News

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion School in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited." "Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel, and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, Father," replied the nun. "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the WALL!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest. "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, Father!!!"

This is the actual telephone dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.”
“Does it have little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.Can you see that?”
“Mmm…..Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…..”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.” “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes…the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now…Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too damn stupid to own a computer.”

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE?

THERE IS WHITE-OUT ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN

_______

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE AGAIN?

THERE IS WRITING ON THE WHITE-OUT!!

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”).

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are the followings:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons are the followings:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Isn’t it amazing just how sophisticated computers are becoming? Just the other day, I was looking at the newest ones at COMP USA.

I saw one which REALLY caught my eye. Instead of an Owner’s Manual, the operating instructions consisted of a SINGLE sheet of paper, printed on only ONE side.

The sheet read, “If you have trouble operating this computer in any way, please do the following:

1. Locate the nearest 12-year-old child.

2. LISTEN to what s/he says.

“I Got Pregnant During A Computer Sex Chat!”

Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!

“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”

Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.

“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ’sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”

There are only 18 known cases of ’sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.

Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. “It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.

1. Men are like department stores….
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations….
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers…
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars….
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee….
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes….
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement….
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns.

12. Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what’s left is handicapped.

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

17. Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs.

Q: Did you here about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
A: It has two bites and no memory.

Tips on becoming a serious Computer Gamer.
-Written by residents of the Arizona mental health facility.

1. Ignore all family and friends:
They will only get in the way. The computer is your friend, your mentor, and your leader. Try giving it a name, and draw a face on it for personality.

2. Become totally immersed in the world of games:
When you can’t remember if your algebra homework was to finish page 30 in the book, or rescue the holy book from the evil wizard of dragon hill, you’re on the right track.

3. Maintain the appearance of someone who has no future:
Avoid all natural light, and spend hours staring at only the computer. A thin crack of drool down the side of your mouth can be a nice touch.

4. Create your own ritual for buying new hardware:
I wear printer ink as warpaint, and a necklace made from the innards of computers who’ve crossed me. Doing these bizarre activities can get you great discounts on mail-order products (mainly because delivery men scream, soil themselves, and run away before they can give you a bill).

5. Ignore personal hygiene:
Showering and shaving take away precious gaming minutes, so only wash when the smell is strong enough to melt the plastic on the keyboard.

Ultimate Proof you are a True Gamer:
By following these tips, you should become the most feared person on your street. When the neighbor’s kids prefer taking the long way home rather than go past “Crazy Pale Guy’s” house, you are a true master of the gaming world.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde’s been at your computer?

There’s white-out all over the screen, cheese near the mouse and a condom on the joy-stick!