Jokes News

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

5.. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

16. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store, waving their guns. “Nobody moves!” one of the robbers ordered. The second robber then moved - and the first shot him in the head.

A Turkish farmer was taken to the hospital with severe stomach pains. The doctor then discovered that he had ingested pesticide. The Doctor however noticed that it was in too small an amount to be suicidal. So he asked the Farmer why he did so. The farmer had a good reason. He had accidentally swallowed a fly. “I wanted to kill it before it reproduced in me.”

A man was out hunting in Arizona when he accidentally shot himself in the leg. Keeping his head about him, he realized that the best way to get help to alert other hunters in the area - so he fired his gun again to attract attention. Unfortunately, he shot himself in the other leg.

A man in the Amazon forest was fishing in the river. His lure snagged on a branch. As he yanked his lure, it came loose and hit a hive of bees. He ran and ran and tried to escape the bees. But the bees still followed him. So he jumped into the river. Where he was promptly eaten by piranhas.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one withincity limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuriesand back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with theshredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “liedetector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo: During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.” With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “(Expletive) you.” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too.” The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

“I Got Pregnant During A Computer Sex Chat!”

Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!

“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”

Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.

“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ’sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”

There are only 18 known cases of ’sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.

Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. “It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. How much total cash did he get from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

Poacher Maino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock–and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300mph into the side of a desert cliff.

These are true stories supposedly…

* Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help.

* Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and didn’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the pastor in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

* The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

This really happened in 1976.

A woman saw a snake slithering across her kitchen floor and screamed for her husband.

Husband comes running out of the bathroom and stepped on the dog.

Husband gets down on the kitchen floor to look for the snake. Dog comes up behind and as his cold nose touches the husband he faints thinking it is the snake.

Wife calls paramedics who rush to the scene and load husband onto stretcher. Snake decides to make appearance at this time. One of the paramedics is startled and drops his end of the stretcher causing husband to crash to floor breaking his leg.

Don’t know if snake was ever caught.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. (yes, they are on one side of the monument)

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a Ladies’ Room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1″ encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.(found the owl, not the spider)

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.”

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.