Jokes News

There were three Indian ladies. All had husbands with the same first name, Stanley.

They decided one day that their husbands could use a nickname so they could tell them apart easier.

The first Indian lady wanted to call her Stanley “Mountain Dew”.

“Why do you want to call him Mountain Dew?” the two other ladies asked.

“Because everytime we go to the Mountains he wants to do me!!”

The next Indian Lady decided she wanted to nickname her Stanley, 7UP.

“Why do you want to call him 7UP?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s up 7 days a week!!” she replied.

The last Indian lady decided to nickname her Stanley, Johnny Walker.

“Why Johnny Walker?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s a hard liquor!!”

A cowboy and an Indian were out on the plains looking for buffalo. The Indian puts his ear to the ground and says, “Buffalo come.”

The cowboy asks, “How do you know?”

The Indian replies, “Face is sticky”

The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto, found themselves surrounded by hostile Apache braves on the warpath.

“I don’t see any way out, Tonto,” said The Lone Ranger.
“It looks like we’re going to be killed by those Indians.”

Tonto turned to his friend. “What you mean WE, kemo sabe?”

Q: Did you hear about the Indian who drank 24 cups of tea?

A: He died in his teapee.

On my first day of classes at Ballstate University in Muncie, Indiana, I took a front row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began . . . Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook . . .

I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, “Relax, he’s taking attendance.”

When the new school year started, the history teacher was so excited because there were three little American Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asked the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knew this.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Cherokee. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father said, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.”

“Wonderful,” the teacher said, and then asked the next little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Comanche. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father aid, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land.’ So, I know I am a Comanche.”

The teacher was growing more excited by the moment and asked the last little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Fuckawee.”

The teacher looked dumbfounded and said, “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee.”

The little boy said, “My father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my father stopped and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looked around. He said, ‘Hmmmm, where the Fuckawee…’”

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking in the desert together, when suddenly one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. Then, he hollered into the cave, “Woo! Woo! Woo!

A moment later, the Indian heard a response, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” so he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The puzzled Polish fellow asked the other Indian what that was all about, and the Indian replied, “It’s mating time for us Indians, and when you see a cave and holler, a response from the cave means that she is in there waiting for you.

The intrigued Pollack started running around the desert, looking for a cave to find a woman for himself. Sure enough, the Pollack soon found a large cave nearby. He thought to himself, “Look at the size of that cave!!! It’s bigger than the one that Indian found. There must REALLY be something really GREAT in this cave!”

So, the Pollack approached the cave with high hopes of ecstacy and grandeur. When he was at the mouth of the cave, he hollered, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” just as the Indian had done.

A moment later, the Pollack heard a response, “Woo! Woo! Woo! so he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next day’s headlines in the local newspaper read, “NAKED POLLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!”

Top Ten Times in history when using the “f” word was appropriate:

10) “What the f**k was that?” - Mayor of Hiroshima

9) “Where did all these f**king Indians come from?” - Custer
“Any f**king idiot could understand that.” - Einstein

7) “It does SO f**king look like her!” - Picasso

6) “How the f**k did you work that out?” - Pythagoras

5) “You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?” - Michaelangelo

4) “I don’t suppose it’s gonna f**king rain.” - Joan of Arc

3) “Scattered f**king showers… my ass!” - Noah

2) “Hand over the f**king tapes?!?” - Nixon

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the “f” word….

1) “Who the f**k is going to find out?” - Bill Clinton

A cowboy & Indian scout been in the desert for a while. Indian travel on foot & tracked on this mission. Job completed, headed for town. Closer they got, the cowboy thought about how good a cold beer would taste, so he road faster & faster. Tried not to overheat the horse or his Indian companion. When they got to the saloon, the horse was lathered with sweat & heat. No air stirring & worried his horse would die, he asked the Indian to run around the horse, stir air on him til the horse cooled down. He went on in & had a brew.

A 2nd cowboy comes in the saloon and asked, “Is that your black horse out there?”

The cowboy replied, “Yeah, what about it?”

The 2nd cowboy replied, “Well, you left your injun running.”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s terrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, “What are you doing???”

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, asshole!”