Jokes News

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered, unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

I dreamt death came the other night,
And Heaven’s Gate swung wide-
An Angel with a halo bright
Ushered me inside.

And, there, to my astonishment,
Stood folks I’d judged and labeled;
As “quite unfit,” “of little worth”
And, “spiritually disabled!!”

Indignant words rose to my lips,
But never were set free,
For every face showed stunned surprise;
Not one expected ME!

The popular belief is that Heaven and Hell are one under the other. The actual layout is side by side, separated by a wooden fence.

One afternoon on the etheral planes, a group of demons are playing football and manage to crash into the fence, demolishing a large part of it.

God, anger in His eyes, roars over the fence to Satan, “Your little demons did this - therefore you must repair it!”

“Fine,” says Satan. “I’ve got all the builders and contractors over here anyway.”

However, the entire fence is rebuilt four foot further over into heaven.

God was furious!! Storming over to the fence, He shouts,
“You evil bastard!! I’ll sue you for this!!”

To which Satan replies - “Yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?!”

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting for each soul that enters. It was a slow day, but finally, someone arrives at the gates. Peter looks the guy over and asks, “How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?”

The guy looks proudly at Peter and says, “In all the 25 years I was married, I never once cheated on my wife.” Peter smiles and says, “Because of that, you get to ride around Heaven in a Mercedes.” The car appears suddenly and the man gets in and drives off.

A second guy arrives at the gates, and Peter asks him, “How long were you married to your wife and how many times did you cheat on her?” The second guy looks down and says, “10 years, and 2 times.” Peter frowns a bit and replies, “For that, you will ride around Heaven in a Taurus.” The car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

The third man arrives in Heaven and Peter asks,”How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat on her?” The third guy replies, “5 years, and 6 times.” Peter says, “You get a Honda to drive around in Heaven then.” And the car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

Just as the third guy gets inside Heaven, the car stalls and won’t start. He gets out to see what was wrong, when he sees the first guy sitting at the side of the road, crying.

The third guy asks, “What’s wrong? Car trouble?”

The first guy answers, “No, I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.”

Three men were in a car. The driver was drunk, and the car crashed in the middle of the desert on a huge rock.

The three men started going up to heaven. Half way up they stop, they then hear a voice, “YOU THREE MEN HAVE A CHOICE, YOU GUYS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN OR BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON EARTH OTHER THAN HUMAN.”

So the three men all said that they want to be back on earth.

They heard the voice again, “IN ORDER TO DO THIS YOU MUST RUN, JUMP OFF THE CLIFF AND YELL OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE.”

So they got sent to a cliff. The first guy runs jumps and yells out, “I WANNA BE A BALD EAGLE!” So he flies off.

The second guy runs, jumps, and yells out, “I WANNA BE A TWEETY BIRD!” So he flies off.

Finally the third guy asks “WHY DID THEY GO EAST, IM GOING WEST.” So the guy starts to run, right before the cliff he trips on a rock and yells out, “OOOHHHH SSHHIITT!”

KKAASSSPPLLAATT!!!

Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six.

Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.”

Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do not belong here. To damnation, you go.”

The second minister says to Peter, “My good friend, I have been the upmost person of faith in my time as mortal. Surely, in your heart, you know that this is true.”

“Hold on”, said Peter. “You have craved alcohol in your whole time of being, that you would not marry until your wife, Ginny, stammered into your life. Away to eternal flame you go!”

The third minister walked up to Peter, looked at him, and then turned to his wife and said, “Come on, Fanny, we’re out of here.”

The Pope and President Clinton just happened to die on the same day.

Now obviously the Pope was to go to heaven and Clinton was supposed to go to hell. Somehow this gets crossed up.

God and Satan realized their error and Satan sent the Pope up and God sent Clinton down. They just happened to meet in the middle, so they stopped to chit-chat for a minute.

Clinton asked the pope,”What had you hoped to do when you got to heaven?”

The Pope replied very solemly, “I had hoped to meet the
blessed virgin Mary.”

Clinton replied, “Sorry, you are too late.”

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.”

St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter upon seeing them says “You three have been so good that I will allow you to go back as anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to go back as Madonna, that woman has fucked everyone,”

The second nun says, “I want to go back as Linda Lovelace, now there’s a whore!”

The third says, “I want to go back as Alice Kinpipaline!”

St. Peter says, “Sorry sister, there has never existed such a person.”

Upon persistence from the nun, St. Peter reviews all the past 100 years of newspapers he can find and finally exclaims, “No sister, the newspaper said THE ALASKAN PIPEPLINE WAS LAID BY 3000 MEN !!!”

You might be a reneck if…

-You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
-You’ve ever spraypainted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
-You’ve ever Christmas shopped at a truck stop.
-You think heaven looks alot like Daytona, Florida.
-You truly think God looks like Hank Williams Jr.
-You go to a stockcar race and don’t nead a program.
-Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show em your belt buckle.
-Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
-You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
-You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a “bigot.”
-You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
-Hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estamate.
-You have a trash bad for a passenger side window.
-Thanksgiving supper was ruined cause you ran out of ketchup.
-You think of duct tape as a long term investment.
-You’ve ever hit a juke box with a cue stick.
-Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
-You can spit without opening your mouth.
-You only need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tatoos.