Jokes News

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.

The Doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”

“No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”

“Wait,” said the engineer. “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?”

“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer….

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial — it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station –a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in such laughter that a recess was called.

LAWYERS AND SNAKES

What is the difference between a snake and a lawyer?

One is an asp in the grass,

the other…

Q: What happens to lawyers when they take viagra?

A: They get taller

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

A. The sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being!!

A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, “I have bad news and worse news for you.”

The man said, “Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife has gotten hold of a picture worth half a million dollars!”

“That’s bad news? What could be worse than that?” asked the man.

“Well, it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm’s most prestigious clients. She was also well-known for her devoted Christian faith.

The lawyer was ushered into the bedroom of the widow and asked, “What can I do for you, Mrs. Warbucks?”

“Just come and stand beside my bed,” she said while lying in bed.

The lawyer did as he was told. A few minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow’s family interests came into the bedroom. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed.

After 15 to 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer spoke up, “Mrs. Warbucks, I don’t want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left an important meeting to come here and I really should be getting back.” Pointing at the other lawyer, he continued, “I’m sure he has a busy schedule too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We’ll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time.”

Mrs. Warbucks said, “No. I’m dying and I don’t need anymore legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I’m gone, because I ‘ve always wanted to die like my Lord did - between two thieves!”

You met him in prison.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser”.

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

He tells you that he’s never told a lie.

During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Most of his clients are patrons of his other business.

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.