Jokes News

Lil’ Johnny’s teacher decided that she’d test her students’ knowledge on holidays. She went through Christmas and Easter and all of those.

So far all of them were doing well.

The last one left was Independence Day. She figured he couldn’t make that a sick answer. So, she called on him. This is what happened….

“What about Independence Day, Johnny?” asked his teacher.

“In-deep-end-dance Day is about celebrating anniversaries of past sex lifes. The term In-deep-end-dance is self-explanatory….”

One morning little Johnny comes walking down the stairs to find his breakfast not on the table.
He looks over at his mother and says “Hey mom, where is my breakfast?”
His mother looks at him and says “Well, you won’t get your breakfast until you finish your chores.”
Johnny walks out of the house and heads down to the barn to do his chores.
He goes in an gets the chicken feed and walks into the pens. All the chickens quickly gather aroung him not letting him get to the food bowl so he kicks one of them out of the way and pours it on the ground.
Next, he gets the pig feed and goes in to feed the pigs. Once again, all the pigs gather around him. So, he kicks one out of the way and pours it on the ground.
Finally, he grabs the cow’s feed and walks into the pen and the milk cow corners him. He kicks her out of the way and pours the food on the ground.
Happy that he was finally finished he races into the house to eat breakfast. Upon getting to the table he finds a plate with a piece of toast on it. He turns to his mother and says “Where is the rest of it?”
“Well, you kicked the chickens so you get no eggs, you kicked the pigs so you get no sausage, and you kicked the cow so you get no milk.”
About that time Johnny’s father comes walking down the stairs and finds the pussy cat sitting right in the middle of the stair case. So, he kicks him out of the way.
Little Johhny turns to his mother and says “You want me to tell him or are you going to?”

In a classroom one day the teacher asked her students, for homework, to think of a true story that has a moral.

So the next day she asked Wendy to come up first. The teacher says, “Alright Wendy, what’s your story?”

“Well,” Wendy started,”My grandfather lives on a farm and he has chickens. He wanted to sell all the eggs at the market but they didn’t make it to the market because the back of the truck broke and they all fell out.”

Teacher says,”And what is the moral?”

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”

“Very nice Wendy,” Teacher looks at a small boy in the corner of the class and says,”Now, Johnny, your story.”

Little Johnny starts,”My Uncle Ted was in Vietnam. His helicopter was over enemy territory when it crashed but before it did he took a parachute, some artillary and a case of beer down with him when he evacuated. As he was floating down he drank the entire case of beer! When he landed there were 100 bad guys waiting for him. He took out his shot gun and killed 50 until his bullets ran out.”

By this time the teacher has the most horrified look on her face.

“He then took out his knife and killed 30. With 20 left he killed them all with his bare hands!”

The teacher says, “And what in God’s name is the moral of that awful story?!”

“The moral is: Never f*** with my Uncle Ted when he’s drinking!”

The teacher asked who in the class could define the word “indifferent.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “That’s easy, it means it feels so good.”

The teacher asked how he came up with that definition, and Johnny said, “I was up in my room last night, and my sister and her boyfriend were down on the porch, and I heard her say, ‘That feels so good’ and her boyfriend said, ‘That’s cause it’s in different.’”

Dear Santa:

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter) I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, THAT YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN’T FUCKED ME ENOUGH,YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN’T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!

DON’T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! “I’LL FUCK YOU UP!” I’LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN’T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!!

YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU’LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE…YOU’VE BEEN STEPPING ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,
Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger breasts, you’d be a ten!”

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had to go to the potty because he was fidgeting in his seat. Johnny said, “Man, if I had to take a dump, I’d pull down my pants and go anywhere I damn pleased.”

“But Johnny,” said the teacher. “Remember, good boys always wash their hands after taking a poop.”

“Why?” replied Johnny. “I ain’t gonna eat it.”

One day Johnny is riding his tricycle in the house.
He pulls up to his brother’s room and says, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

His brother looked at him and said, “Don’t let Mom hear you saying that or she’ll be awful mad.”

So Johnny wheeled down to his sister’s room and hollered, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

His sister looked at him and said, “Don’t let Mom hear you saying that or she’ll be awful mad.”

So Johnny wheeled down through the kitchen where his mother was doing dishes. He pulled up beside her and said, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

Well Johnny’s mother dropped what she was doing, spun around and knocked him right off his bike.

Johnny jumped up and said, “That’s it Lady, fuck around! We’re already five minutes late!!!”

One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying. So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.

“Little Johnny, answer this math question,” she said. “If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?”

“An orgy,” answered Little Johnny.

Little Johnny sat in the back of his science class one morning. The teacher rarely called upon him during discussions because he always had a remark to make that would disrupt the class.

The teacher came into the classroom with an embalmed cat and said they would study anatomy that day. She asked what was holding the cat’s tail onto its body.

Little Johnny waved his hand frantically, but the teacher called on someone else who gave the answer “skin.” The teacher wrote skin on the chalkboard. Another student called upon said “muscle,” and the teacher wrote that on the chalkboard, all the while knowing that Little Johnny was frantically waving his arm.

Yet another student said “bone,” and a fourth student said that “tendons” were holding the cat’s tail in place.

Little Johnny was now going nuts, and the teacher, thinking that all of the answers had been given, finally called on him. He walked up to the front of the class, grabbed the cat by the tail, picked it up, studied it carefully for a few seconds and announced, “Teacher, from the looks of those nuts, I’d say it was bolted on!”