beard

A man is out in the wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?” The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter.”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tommorrow morning”

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst torture tests ever known to man.”

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl’s bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st worst torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest”.

“What a lame torture test!” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle”.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost”.

OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER EXAM
Answers below

1. “Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________.”

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was
“Turn on; tune in;________________.”

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into
the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was
that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer,
“I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave
behind?__________________

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll.
One of the most memorable folk songs included these
lyrics: “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,
look out your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason
I’m travelling on,_______________________.”

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic con-
vention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were
known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the ________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our ________________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read
about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane.
What was the name of Dick and Jane’s dog?______

9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back and the
trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the
VW. What other name(s) did it go by? ___________ &
________________

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the ________________and the ________________.

11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists
“hippies.” But in the early sixties, they were known as
________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always
seemed to get the short end of the stick in the
television program, “The Life of Riley.” At the end of
each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
exclaim, “What a ________________.”

13. “Get your kicks, ________________.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed ________________.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: ________________.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller - the one that con-
tained all the “dirty” dialogue - was called _________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around
with a calculator strapped to their belt. But back in the
sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about “the day
the music died.” This was a reference and tribute to
________________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver
who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the
front seat of a convertible. The matching slogan was
“Let Hertz ________________.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we
could go in a dance called the ________________.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best ________.”

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style of Jane
Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the “trim” look,
as first exemplified by British model ________________.

24. Sachmo was America’s “ambassador of goodwill.” Our
parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason’s variety show in the sixties, one of
the most popular segments was “Joe, the Bartender.”
Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off-
center, but lovable character, ________________. (The
character’s name, not the actor’s.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it; it was called ________________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a
large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it
was called the ________________.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical ________________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton’s hobo character (not
the hayseed; the hobo) was ________________.
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and ________________.”

ANSWERS

1. “Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb.” If you said “ears,”
you’re in the wrong millennium, pal; you’ve spent way
too much time in Latin class.

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was “Turn
on; tune in; drop out.” Many people who proclaimed
that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders
and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of
you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the
screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone
Ranger without his mask!

4. “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out
your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason I’m
travelling on; Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 were known as the
Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, “They would like
me to mention their names.”

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our draft cards. If you said “bras,” you’ve got
the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I
was watching. The “bra burning” days came as a by-
product of women’s liberation move- ment which had
nothing directly to do with the Viet Nam war.

8. Dick and Jane’s dog was Spot. “See Spot run.”
Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have
been replaced in some school systems by “Heather Has
Two Mommies.”

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were
known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic
beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but
no beat.

12. At the end of “The Life of Riley,” Chester would turn to
the camera and exclaim, “What a revolting development
this is.”

13. “Get your kicks, on Route 66.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have
been changed to protect the innocent.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: shaken, not stirred.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of
Cancer. Today, it would hardly rate a PG-13 rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
slide rule.

19. “The day the music died” was a reference and tribute to
Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was “Let Hertz put you in the
driver’s seat.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best………..
chooo-c’late.” In the television commercial, “chocolate”
was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth
flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style gave way to the
“trim” look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with
us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was
called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex
watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist
was called the hula-hoop.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical “Hair.”

30. Red Skelton’s hobo character was Freddie the Free-
loader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the “hay seed.”)
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and may God bless.”

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”

During the glorious days of communism, to commemorate the visit of the Soviet President Andropov to Poland, the head of the Polish Communist Party commissioned a popular Warsaw artist for an oil painting celebrating the historical visit of Lenin to Poland. The piece was to be entitled “Lenin In Poland.” Now this artist hated the Poland Communist Party and therefore also detested Lenin more so but since the pay was lucrative, he decided to accept the commission. Since there was no specific instruction on how to do the oil painting, the artist decided on his own.

So, after two months of work, the oil painting was ready for its unveiling. All the top brass and apparatchiks of the Polish Communist Party were on hand for the unveiling in the assembly hall. With the artist beside him, the party boss unveiled the oil painting. Instead of wild applause, there was a collective gasp from the crowd. Even the party boss was shocked speechless. For on the painting, there was a bearded man and a fat woman locked in a passionate embrace in front of a window looking into the famous Kremlin skyline.

Finally, the party boss was able to find his voice and glaring at the smiling artist, he screamed, “The Communist Party commissioned you to paint Lenin in Poland. Instead you gave us this indecent debauchery! Who are those people? I demand an explanation!”

The artist explained, “The bearded man is Trotsky and the fat woman is Lenin’s wife.”

“But where is Lenin?” insisted the party boss.

“Lenin’s in Poland.”

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
60’s style

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Things were real mellow
Even Irving the mouse

Our boots were hung up
The incense was lit
In the hopes that St. Nick
Would soon do his bit

The tree was decked out
It was really a sight
With love beads and flowers
And a flashing strobe light

Wearing my T-shirt
From the Woodstock Nation
I was getting into
Some good meditation

And my chick was doing
Some Yoga in bed
Munching a fruitcake
While propped on her head

Then POW!
And a HULLA-BALOO!
It shook the waterbed
And woke up Ol Blue

I stumbled around
And tripped on my beard
It stuck in my toes
And felt really weird

When I got to the window
I was really uptight
‘Cause the scene I saw
Was a mind-blowing sight

What through my shades
Did I see coming over the snow
But eight tiny moose
And a wild UFO

With this hip ol dude inside
Looking down right groovy
I flashed, “If this ain’t St. Nick
It must be the late movie.”

They blew in from the cosmos
Like some far out caboose
And this Fat Cat kept yelling
At each midget moose
“Right on Dasher! Get down Dancer!
Get it on… Do your thing.
Get your butts in gear
Let’s move this machine!”

Then onto the roof top
They flew with that shout
The whole cosmic crew
Really freaked me out

They made such a hassle
And made such a fuss
I thought that someone
Would call the fuzz on us

But before I could say, “Cool it!
Hold down that loud jive!
Nick zipped toward the chimney
And leaped in with a dive

As he trucked from the fireplace
His face all agleam
I thought, “This is unreal!
It must be a dream!”

Then he nodded and said,
“This isn’t a bummer…
Like I came in person…
To groove my Yule number.”

His duds were all fur
Trimmed in leather and such
And he came on stone funky
He was really too much

His backpack was painted
With black light festoon
Full of albums and posters
And a neon balloon

His eyes, a light show
His beard Day-Glo bright
A plastic, fantastic
Kaleidoscope sight

He looked like a guru
This beautiful ol cat
I though, “Like, wow!
This dude knows where it’s at!”

“I don’t want to sound heavy,
He said with a grin,
“My message is simple
So dig it and tune in.”

“I brought you some goodies
But that’s not the thing
My real trip is bringing
Good vibes to your scene.”

So we rapped until dawn
About Peace, Love and Truth
Then he said, “Gotta split now
Or be late in Duluth

And he tapped his nose
And said, “I’ve done my bit.”
Then straight up the smoke hole
That fat cat did split

As he sped from the roof
And into the air
He shouted, “Let’s get it together,
All you people down there.
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight.”

As he left I thought, “That cat
Is really outta sight.”