Jokes News

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $10.”

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What? Are you crazy?”

Murray things for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it!”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

a.. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
b.. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
c.. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
d.. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
e.. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
f.. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
g.. DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!!!! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
h.. JESUS SAVES..They Pass It To Gretzky..He Shoots..He scores!
i.. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
j.. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
k.. Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!
l.. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
m.. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
n.. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
o.. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
p.. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
q.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
r.. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
s.. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
t.. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
u.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
v.. All men are idiots….I married their king.
w.. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
x.. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
y.. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
z.. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
aa.. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
ab.. Hang up and drive.
ac.. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
ad.. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
ae.. Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.
af.. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
ag.. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
ah.. We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
ai.. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
aj.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
ak.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
al.. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
am.. Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
an.. Honk If You Want To See My Finger

——————–

Sister Catherine was asking all the catholic school children in 4th grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grew wide and she barked, “What did you say?!”

“A prostitute!” Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said “Whew! Thank God! I thought you said ‘A Protestant’!”

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War…could you help me?”

“Of course, my son,” Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, “DON’T TOUCH ME! I’m on long-term disability!”

One day Jesus and Moses are out golfing.
Jesus is of course winning and starts to think highly of himself.

They get to the top of this one hill on the tenth hole, and Jesus pulls out a five iron, when he should have clearly pulled out a nine iron.

Moses walks up to him and says, “Are you crazy, you should be using a nine iron, not that five iron”.

“Arnold Palmer would use this five iron”, Jesus replied.
So Jesus, using the wrong club, hits the ball way too far to the left.

“Aw Shucks”, says Jesus.

So Jesus walks up to the ball and again uses his five iron, instead of the appropriate seven iron.

Moses walks up to him again and warns him of his upcoming mistake.

“Arnold Plamer would use this club if he were playing”, said Jesus.
And like the last time the ball goes way off course and unfortunately lands in a water trap.

About this time two golfers come up behind Moses and Jesus, and walk over and start talking with Moses.

Jesus, chasing after his ball, goes down to the water trap and walks out over the lake looking for his ball.

The men talking with Moses see this and in astonishment ask him, “Who does that man think he is, Jesus Christ!?”

Moses replies, “No, he thinks he is Arnold Palmer”!

A young Christian sweetie came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me tonight.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm’s most prestigious clients. She was also well-known for her devoted Christian faith.

The lawyer was ushered into the bedroom of the widow and asked, “What can I do for you, Mrs. Warbucks?”

“Just come and stand beside my bed,” she said while lying in bed.

The lawyer did as he was told. A few minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow’s family interests came into the bedroom. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed.

After 15 to 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer spoke up, “Mrs. Warbucks, I don’t want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left an important meeting to come here and I really should be getting back.” Pointing at the other lawyer, he continued, “I’m sure he has a busy schedule too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We’ll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time.”

Mrs. Warbucks said, “No. I’m dying and I don’t need anymore legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I’m gone, because I ‘ve always wanted to die like my Lord did - between two thieves!”

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends.

“My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”

The second woman chirps,

“My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room people call him your Grace.”

The third crone says,

“My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say your Eminence.”

The fourth woman continued sipping her coffee in silence, so the first three women give her a subtle “Well..?”

She replies,

“My son is a gorgeous, 6ft2, hard-bodied stripper who has muscles like a horse.”

“When he walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God!”

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for ‘Finkelstein, the Tailor.’

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit.

When Jesus asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off:
“No, no, no, for the Son of God? There’s no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something
about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor.”

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein’s robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein’s shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

“Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you’ve been for business,” gushed Finkelstein. “Would you consider a partnership?”

“Sure, sure,” replies Jesus. “‘Jesus & Finkelstein’ it is.”

“Uh, no, no,” says Finkelstein. “‘Finkelstein & Jesus.’ After all, I am the craftsman.”

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long, spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop…

“LORD & TAILOR”

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions.

At one meeting, the priest turned to Chris and told him, “Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist.”

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked him what was wrong.

“I don’t understand, he said. “How can we have the ceremony without ME?”