Jokes News

Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

Because God made man the perfect asshole.

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the perfect woman & the perfect man all stop at the same time at an intersection. Who goes first?

A: -The perfect woman. The other three don’t exist.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

What have you done wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen to bitch at you?

Made the chain too long.

One night Little Jimmy couldn’t sleep, so he goes and walks to his parents room. The door was opened up a crack. Little Jimmy looks in and sees his mother on top of the father bouncing up and down. So Little Jimmy, thinking they were busy, he went back to his bed and went to sleep.

The next morning, Little Jimmy asks his mother why she was bouncing up and down on Daddy. Suprised of what her son had said, the mother replies, “Ah, well your father is fat, so I thought I’d bounce on him, so he can lose some weight!”

Then Little Jimmy replies, “I don’t know why you do that for.” The mother asks, “Why!!!?”

Little Jimmy says, “Well because, every time you leave for work, the lady next door comes and blows him back up.”

Are you a manly man?

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequlia slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don’t miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just has sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym.
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship
a) “I hope we can still be friends
b) “i’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep”
c) “Welcome to dumpsville; population YOU”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results:

If you answered “a” more than 7 times: Check your pants to see if you really are a man
If you answered “b” more than 7 times: Check into therapy, you’re a little confused
If you answered “c” more than 7 times: “YOU DA MAN!”

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?

Nobody knows, it’s never been done!

Ten Things Whipped Guys Do

10. Asks if there is anything more he can do for her
(wihout sarcasm).

9. Goes to the store to get stuff for her and likes it.

8. Leaves fresh towels in the bathroom.

7. Actually listens to her problems and will turn off the tv to do so.

6. Gives a backrub if it looks like her neck is sore.

5. Gives her a backrub if it looks like her neck is sore.

4. Gives her a backrub anyways.

3. Watches movies like “Little Women” and “Steel Magnolias” without hesitation or complaint.

2. Asks her how her day was (everyday).

1. Always puts the toilet seat back down!

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede thier
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “inlaws.”