player one

“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do when your son misbehaves?” asked his friend.

“I send him to OUR room.”

Warning: Some of these facts may have expired. Was written in 1995. Also, this is VERY long, but PLEASE read it all…

Q. What was the longest MONOPOLY game ever?
A. 70 days

Q. How many little green houses have been built since the MONOPOLY game began?
A. Approximately 5.1 Billion

Q. What is the longest MOMOPOLY game ever played upside down?
A. 36 hours

Q. What’s the most frequently rolled number with the dice?
A. 7

Q. What’s the value of the most expensive MONOPOLY game ever produced?
A. 1 million dollars! Produced by Sidney Mobell, it had diamonds and other gems.

Q. In the UK edition, “Mayfair” is the name given to which US property?
A. Boardwalk

Q. How many MONOPOLY game houses does Parker Brothers build in a year?
A. 64 million per year

Q.What’s the longest game of MONOPOLY played under water?
A. 45 days

Q.How old is the MOnopoly game?
A. 63 years

Q. Who is credited “father of the MONOPOLY game?”
A. Charles Darrow

Q.What’s the value of the MONOPOLY game money Parker Brothers prints in the course of 1 year?
A. Parker Brothers print over 30 billion game dollars per year.

Q. Which color groups cost the most to purchase and improve (build land on)?
A. Green

Q. What happened at the 1959 American National Exhibition in Moscow?
A. All 6 MONOPOLY game displays copies mysteriously disappeared.

Q. Which Benelux country boasts the current MONOPOLY game World Champion?
A. Jost Van Orten (1992), from the netherlands (Holland), is the current World Champion

Q. True or False: All 4 railroads were named for actual Atlantic City railroads?
A. Not quite true. Three were, but Short Line was named for a local bus company…

Q. Which is the most landed-on property in the game?
A. Illinois Avenue (Red)

Q.What American ecomomic era spurred the invention of the original MONOPOLY game?
A. The Depression

Q.What’s the longest MONOPOLY game played in a bathtub?
A. 99 hours

Q. Which are more likely to benefit you: Chance or Community Chest Cards?
A. Community Chest Cards

Q. How long is the actual Boardwalk in today’s Atlantic City?
A. 7 miles long.

Q. What exclusive store once offered customers a $600, full size, all chocolate MONOPOLY game?
A. Neiman-Marcus

Q. How much money does the average player make on the average trip around the game board?
A. $170

Q. Which property was named for a planned Community situated a few miles outside Atlantic City?
A. “Marvin Gardens”, actually spelled “Marven”, the typo was never fixed.

Q.How many people have ever played the MONOPOLY board game?
A. 480 million

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN:

“Members of Congress…people of America…I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she’d be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight.

I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausible deniability,’ and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter …
unless, of course, she’s a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m parking the presidential limousine.”

OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER EXAM
Answers below

1. “Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________.”

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was
“Turn on; tune in;________________.”

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into
the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was
that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer,
“I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave
behind?__________________

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll.
One of the most memorable folk songs included these
lyrics: “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,
look out your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason
I’m travelling on,_______________________.”

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic con-
vention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were
known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the ________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our ________________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read
about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane.
What was the name of Dick and Jane’s dog?______

9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back and the
trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the
VW. What other name(s) did it go by? ___________ &
________________

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the ________________and the ________________.

11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists
“hippies.” But in the early sixties, they were known as
________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always
seemed to get the short end of the stick in the
television program, “The Life of Riley.” At the end of
each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
exclaim, “What a ________________.”

13. “Get your kicks, ________________.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed ________________.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: ________________.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller - the one that con-
tained all the “dirty” dialogue - was called _________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around
with a calculator strapped to their belt. But back in the
sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about “the day
the music died.” This was a reference and tribute to
________________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver
who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the
front seat of a convertible. The matching slogan was
“Let Hertz ________________.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we
could go in a dance called the ________________.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best ________.”

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style of Jane
Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the “trim” look,
as first exemplified by British model ________________.

24. Sachmo was America’s “ambassador of goodwill.” Our
parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason’s variety show in the sixties, one of
the most popular segments was “Joe, the Bartender.”
Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off-
center, but lovable character, ________________. (The
character’s name, not the actor’s.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it; it was called ________________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a
large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it
was called the ________________.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical ________________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton’s hobo character (not
the hayseed; the hobo) was ________________.
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and ________________.”

ANSWERS

1. “Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb.” If you said “ears,”
you’re in the wrong millennium, pal; you’ve spent way
too much time in Latin class.

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was “Turn
on; tune in; drop out.” Many people who proclaimed
that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders
and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of
you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the
screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone
Ranger without his mask!

4. “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out
your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason I’m
travelling on; Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 were known as the
Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, “They would like
me to mention their names.”

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our draft cards. If you said “bras,” you’ve got
the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I
was watching. The “bra burning” days came as a by-
product of women’s liberation move- ment which had
nothing directly to do with the Viet Nam war.

8. Dick and Jane’s dog was Spot. “See Spot run.”
Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have
been replaced in some school systems by “Heather Has
Two Mommies.”

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were
known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic
beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but
no beat.

12. At the end of “The Life of Riley,” Chester would turn to
the camera and exclaim, “What a revolting development
this is.”

13. “Get your kicks, on Route 66.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have
been changed to protect the innocent.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: shaken, not stirred.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of
Cancer. Today, it would hardly rate a PG-13 rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
slide rule.

19. “The day the music died” was a reference and tribute to
Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was “Let Hertz put you in the
driver’s seat.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best………..
chooo-c’late.” In the television commercial, “chocolate”
was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth
flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style gave way to the
“trim” look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with
us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was
called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex
watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist
was called the hula-hoop.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical “Hair.”

30. Red Skelton’s hobo character was Freddie the Free-
loader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the “hay seed.”)
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and may God bless.”

If foreign films are so good, how come they don’t make them in this country?

Definition of an optimist: an accordian player with a beeper.

Old age is when you tell a friend you’re having an affair and he says, “That’s wonderful! Who’s the caterer?”

Part of the trouble with doing nothing in life is that you never know when you’re through.

Tractor pulls were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on.

Opieology: a religion based on the writings of L. Ron Howard.

My gerontologist says sex at 65 is OK, but it’s better if you pull over to the side of the road.

The nice thing about egomaniacs is they don’t go around talking about other people.

If two teens can breed in the back seat of a Volkswagen, why do spotted owls need 2,000 acres?

I hear Congress is now ready to join the war on corruption. Anyone know on which side?

I don’t understand opposition to a five day waiting period for a handgun. I had to wait six weeks for my sofa.

A Yogi once refused Novocain for a tooth extraction. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?

Do country singers write “John Deere” letters?

Postal workers used to fret over how much a magazine weighs. Now they worry about how many rounds a magazine holds.

Is it true that Beverly Hills Communists are called “Neiman Marxists?”

My girlfriend calls me her “Melancholy Baby.” Finally she told me why: I have a head like a melon and a face like a collie.

Overheard in a gay bar: “You mean you were in the closet for 20 years and you came out wearing that?”

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about his mother’s cooking.