beard

Be on the lookout for the following personalities last seen cruising in these automobiles…

A Pyromaniac in a Blazer…

A barber in a Seville…

A seamstress in a Dart…

An insurance adjuster in an Acclaim…

A construction worker in a Bobcat…

A creature in a black Laguna…

A theater manager in a Marquis…

An astronomer in an Eclipse…

An exterminator in a Beetle…

A spiritualist in an Aurora…

An orator in a Civic…

A country singer in a blue Neon…

A reporter and a Good Humor Man in a S’Coupe…

An orchestra conductor in a Prelude…

A classical musician in a Sonata…

A customs inspector in a Passport…

A dog trainer in a Rover…

A jeweler in a Topaz…

A band leader in a Tempo…

A gentleman in a Gallant…

A bullfighter in a Matador…

A mother-in-law in a Barracuda…

An electrician in a Charger…

A snake oil salesman in a Viper…

A peeping Tom in a Prowler…

A car thief in a Jimmy…

Barbie in a Malibu…

Sgt. Preston in a Yukon…

Queen Elizabeth in a Regal…

Prince Rainier in a Monaco…

Princess Stephanie in a Riviera…

Prince Charles in a Regency…

Joan Collins in a Dynasty…

Hillary Clinton in a Park Avenue…

Jim Garner in a Maverick…

Kato in a green Hornet…

Kissinger in a Diplomat…

Speedy Gonzales in a Fiesta…

Wile E. Coyote in a Road Runner…

Elmer Fudd in a Wabbit…

Miss Muffet in a Spyder…

Charles Lindberg in an Intrepid…

Christopher Columbus in a Voyager…

Blackbeard in a Corsair…

Tonto in a Cherokee…

Dorothy in a Cyclone…

Benjamin Franklin in a Dodge Lightning…

Carl Sagan in a Nova…

Bruce Lee in a Sidekick…

Oscar De la Hoya in a Challenger…

John Mellencamp in a Cougar…

Edmund Haley in a Comet…

Yassir Arafat and Menahim Begin in an Accord…

Jeanne Dixon in a Futura…

Nostradamus in a Galaxy…

Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, “Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”

He says, “All right, Maw.”

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”

Maw says, “Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.”

He puts his head down in the hole, and he says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”

He goes to lift up his head, and he says, “Oww! OWWWW! Maw! MAW! My beard’s stuck!”

She says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says…

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.

George W. is walking in the airport when he sees a man with a long white beard and long white hair. George W. walks up to him and asks him if he is Moses. The man doesn’t say anything and keeps on walking away.

George W. is puzzled and catches up with the old man and again asks him if he is Moses. The old man looks at him, then walks away even faster. Now, George W. is really getting mad, so he runs up to the old guy and stops him, tells him, “Hey, twice I’ve asked you if you were Moses and you never even said a word to me!! What is wrong with you, why won’t you talk to me?”

The old man answered, “The last time I talked to a Bush, I had to walk around in the desert for 40 years!”