turd

Why are there sooooo many blonde jokes????

A: Because brunettes have nothing better to do on Saturday night.

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said, “Sure.” So they teed off.

About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the man did for a living, so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They nervously chuckled.

The man said, “No, really! I am a hitman My gun is in my golf bag. Carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look, if you like.”

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?”

The stranger said, “Sure.”

So the man looked for a second and said, “YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!”

This upset the man, so he asked the hit man how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, “It’s $1,000 every time I pull the trigger.”

The man said, “$1,000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He looks for about 5 minutes and the man starts to get impatient. He asks the hitman what he is waiting for.

The hitman replies, “Just hold on now…I’m about do the job with ONE BULLET and save you a thousand bucks.”

Taoism: Shit Happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit Happens”
Buddhism: If Shit Happens, it isn’t really Shit
Zen (Rinzai): What is the sound of Shit Happening?
Zen (Soto): Shit just Happens
Hinduism: This Shit Happened before
Sikhism: Leave our Shit alone
Jainism: Don’t accidentally swallow flies and Shit
Islam: If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah
Nation of Islam: Don’t take no Shit!
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama *ding ding*
Agnosticism: Does Shit Happen?
Atheism: No Shit!
Catholicism: Shit Happens because you are BAD
Protestantism: Catholics are full of Shit
Methodism: Let Shit Happen to somebody else
Calvinism: Shit Happens because you don’t work hard enough
Presbyterianism: This Shit was bound to Happen
Episcopalianism: If Shit Happens, hold a procession
Lutheranism: Shit Happens, but as long as you’re sorry, it’s OK
Anglicanism: Shit Happens, but only to Lutherans
Mormonism: Excrement Occurs
Baptist: You’re Shitting all wrong, and you’re going to hell for it,
too
Pentacostal: Praise the Shit!
Christian Science: Shit is all in your mind
Existentialism: What is Shit anyway?
Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good Shit Happening
Dadaism: Bathtub full of power tools
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock. Shit Happens!
Televangelism: Your tax-deductable donation can prevent this Shit from
Happening
Fundamentalism: There’s no Shit in the Bible
Creationism: Shit has only been Happening since October 23rd, 4004
B.C.
Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Moonies: Only happy Shit really Happens
Wicca: Shit is part of the Goddess, too
Paganism: Shit Happens for a variety of reasons
Pantheism: It’s all a bunch of Shit
Panentheism: Shit transcends us
Mysticism: This is some weird Shit
Unitarianism: Go ahead, Shit anywhere you want
Vegetarianism: If it Shits, don’t eat it
Scientology: All this Happens to be Shit
Church of the SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 “BoB” will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
Discordianism: Hail Shit!
Seventh Day Adventist: No Shit on Saturdays
Amish: Shit is good for the soil
Stoicism: This Shit is good enough for me
Zoroastrianism: Shit Happens half the time
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit
Voodoo: Let’s stick some pins in this Shit
Twelve Step Program: Shit Happens one day at a time
Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable
New Age: It’s not Shit, it’s feldspar

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”