time share

Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner:

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all that amazing, when you consider that most vaginal canals will stretch to accommodate the birth of a baby.)

ZIT POPPING
In July, 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7 ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm, very-recently-attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with an UNUSED tampon instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a “Cunt Pump”.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a “substantial” amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or “muzzle velocity,” at 42.7 mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest “dump” ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a “staggering turd” over a period of 2 hr 12 mins, which was officially measured at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state. (Note that this person’s name & state are not mentioned.)

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the FM stations had a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. The competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.

Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the
other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way,no.

Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway… just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse !

<<< Radio Silence..... >>>

<<< Advert....>>>

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.

—————-

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives.

Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (”Will it cook faster if I drive faster?”), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!

* Home alone…
A Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

* Birdie, eagle and turkey?
Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called “Turkey Central” for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

* Taking turkey preparation an extra step…
A Virginian wondered, “How do you thaw a fresh turkey?” The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.

* Don’t wait until the last minute!
On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the “Be prepared” motto to heart. She had just agreed to host the next Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton!
A Southern woman called to comment, “On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.” (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run…
A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

* Tofu turkey?
No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* White meat, anyone?
A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, “Medium.”

* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, “Yes,” then offered complete roasting directions.

***** HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! *****

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done -they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000, with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared ONLY with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so….

PISCES:
Light bulb? WHAT light bulb?