time share

As an ex-telemarketer, a couple of incidents happened to me… Let me share them with ya!

Me: Hi, may I speak to Mr. Jones?
Mr: Speaking.
Me: This is Susan calling from Mutual Medical Insurance.
Mr: Am I insured with you?
Me: No, but we’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will take care of almost all your medical expences.
Mr: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.
Me: We’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will take care of most all your medical expences.
Mr: You think I’m sick?
Me: No, Mr X, but in case you get sick, you will be covered for your medical expenses, prescriptions, and all your needs.
Mr: I can’t hear you.
Me: In case you get sick, you will be covered for your medical expenses, prescriptions, and all your needs.
Mr: Lady, I can’t hear you, I have a bad hearing, I have a pacemaker, I have a cold and I’m almost dying. (click!)

This is my personal favorite:
(It was 10 am)
Mr: Hello
Me: Hi, could I please speak to Mr. Smith?
Mr: Speaking.
(at this point, I could hear noises in the background)
Mr: This is Susan calling on behalf of Commonwealth State Insurance about…
Mr: Listen, lady, my wife is standing naked in front of me, she’s ready to orgasm and if I don’t get into her right away, we’re not going to have sex in months! Besides, I’m dying to plunge into her. (click)

Another cool one!
Me: Hello, May I please speak to Mr. Williams?
Mrs: Who?
Mr: Mr. Williams.
Mrs: Well he’s not here.
Me: Could you tell me the best time to reach him?
Mrs: Oh well, he’s in prision. He’ll be released in 5 years!
Me: Oh, ok. Well thank you.
No need to say, he was on my do not call list.

This one’s hilarious!!
Me: May I please speak to Mr. Brown?
Mr: Speaking but if you’re trying to sell me anything, you want to offer me anything, don’t bother. And why don’t you come to visit me… I have a McDonald’s application form for you to become a Hamburger Flipper! (Click)

Oh god, am I glad to be outta there!!!

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:

This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will
open.

Paycheck Guide:

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Math Education
============

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a
set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
“M”.
The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set
“M.”
Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain
per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages
investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers.
The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down,
the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation,
a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and
a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails
a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing
the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing way several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in
order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN:

“Members of Congress…people of America…I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she’d be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight.

I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausible deniability,’ and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter …
unless, of course, she’s a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m parking the presidential limousine.”

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′x10′ cubicle.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′x8′ cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own loot.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs that you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.