love life

If Men TRULY ran the world:

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words: “Ally McNaked.”

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop:”You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you.”

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

26. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asks gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

* If the advertisement says, “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, “My life’s a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife left me for beating her up, I’ve lost two world title fights, I’ve disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing could make my life any worse.”

The girl says, “I can say some thing to cheer you up. You’re a much better lover than Magic Johnson.”

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men

—Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”

—Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of

putting up with her shit.

—Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

To do is to be - Descartes

To be is to do - Voltaire

Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra

—Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona

Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!

—Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going

to have trouble with it.

—Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas,Texas

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers

—Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom

Express Lane: Five beers or less

—Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA

You’re too good for him.

—Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevics,Beverly Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

—Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

—Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump

here. Your asshole is in Washington.

—Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.

—Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NorthCarolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

—Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge,Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all

get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

—Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

—The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

—Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson,Arizona

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

—Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

—Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.

—Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.

—Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY