hard man

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up…

…And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old Manassas, Virginia boy received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.” And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy.

Some Days, It Just Doesn’t Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps…
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”

And for the Main Course…
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

…The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

…Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts; ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars…

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody…

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Q: How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

A: It’s not hard!!!!!

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“Good idea.”
Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“I got a lot done.”
Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”

“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means…. “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.” (or Rene Russo)

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“Go ask your mother.”
Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means….”The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”

“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”

“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”

“I missed you.”
Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that then stop and ask for directions.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”

“I recycle.”
Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”

“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”

“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”

“It’s good beer.”
Really means…. “It was on sale.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”

“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

“I broke up with her.”
Really means…. “She dumped me.”

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!

Sincerely, Betty
————————————
Dear Betty:

This is a very common complaint, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend that you keep Husband 1.0,
and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root causes. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a “C:\I APOLOGIZE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or, worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”