hard man

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of time, money, and effort to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like at present and will learn to lake a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually because a woman’s eyes are not in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some quality which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get”.

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualitites that initially attracted two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

YO MAMMA IS SO FAT
•Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN!”
•Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
•Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now
•Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
•Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
•Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
•Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her…
•Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World
•Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
•Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her, your ears pop!
•Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
•Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
•Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
•Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
•Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
•Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
•Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
•Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
•Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads “One at a time, please!”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
•Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, “Sorry, we don’t do livestock.”
•Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got her own area code!
•Yo momma so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
•Yo momma so fat God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
•Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
•Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
•Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago…
•Yo momma so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
•Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
•Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
•Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
•Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!
•Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
•Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball!
•Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
•Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
•Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
•Yo momma so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
•Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
•Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
•Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
•Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
•Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
•Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
•Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearing tights!
•Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
•Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
•Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
•Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
•Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
•Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
•Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
•Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
•Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
•Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
•Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
•Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
•Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
•Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass
•Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
•Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.
•Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
•Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
•Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
•Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
•Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
•Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
•Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
•Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
•Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized in the ocean.
•Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
•Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
•Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
•Yo momma so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
•Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
•Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
•Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
•Yo momma so fat she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth
•Yo momma so fat to her “light food” means under 4 Tons
•Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practice runs to prepare for her
•Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!!!
•Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
•Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
•Yo momma so fat she won “Miss Bessie the Cow 94″
•Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
•Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck

YO MOMMA SO STUPID
•Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
•Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
•Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was “illegitimate” because she couldn’t read
•Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
•Yo momma so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl
•Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
•Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
•Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911?”
•Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
•Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
•Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
•Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
•Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
•Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?”, she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
•Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald’s!
•Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
•Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
•Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
•Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo momma so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
•Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
•Yo momma so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
•Yo momma so stupid she was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
•Yo momma so stupid she couldn’t read an audio book
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying “Hi! Hitler”
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
•Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
•Yo momma so stupid She went to Disney World and saw a sign that said “Disney World Left” so she went home.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said “guess” so she said Levi’s

YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
•Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
•Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
•Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, “What a treasure!” and her father said, “Yeah, let’s go bury it.”
•Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
•Yo momma so ugly they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower
•Yo momma so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
•Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
•Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”
•Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
•Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
•Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
•Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
•Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!
•Yo momma so ugly when she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
•Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
•Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her!
•Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
•Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
•Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
•Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
•Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
•Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
•Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
•Yo momma so ugly your dad’s breath smells like crap because he would rather kiss her ass.
•Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

YO MOMMA SO OLD
•Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
•Yo momma so old she has Jesus’ beeper number!
•Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
•Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch.
•Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
•Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!
•Yo momma so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook!
•Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
•Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
•Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
•Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
•Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
•Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, “Li’l Mary will never amount to anything”.
•Yo momma so old she was Jesus’ Wet Nurse
•Yo momma so old she’s blind from the big bang
•Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!

YO MOMMA IS SO DIRTY
•Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bath water.

YO MOMMA’S NOSE
•Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
•Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!

YO MOMMA IS SO GREASY
•Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a Band-Aid!
•Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
•Yo momma so greasy Exxon buys oil from her

YO MOMMA’S TEETH
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter

YO MOMMA IS SO LAZY
•Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

YO MOMMA IS SO SKINNY
•Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
•Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
•Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.

YO MOMMA IS SO BALD
•Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn’t help!
•Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind
•Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

YO MOMMA IS SO TALL
•Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
•Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
•Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.

YO MOMMA IS SO FLAT
•Yo momma so flat she makes the wall jealous!

YO MOMMA’S GLASSES
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

YO MOMMA IS SO SHORT
•Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
•Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
•Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
•Yo momma so short she does back-flips under the bed.
•Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
•Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip
•Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick

YO MOMMA IS SO NASTY
•Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
•Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
•Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
•Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
•Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
•Yo momma so nasty that her crap is glad to escape.
•Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
•Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
•Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place
•Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarantined since before she was born
•Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horsemen: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
•Yo momma so nasty her teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!
•Yo momma so nasty she has two pussies and they both stink.
•Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the Dead Sea
•Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her

YO MOMMA IS LIKE
•Yo momma like potato chips– Fri-to Lay
•Yo momma like a screen door, the more you bang her the looser she gets
•Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
•Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
•Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
•Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she’s ready to ride!
•Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
•Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
•Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
•Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
•Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
•Yo momma like Domino’s pizza– Something for nothing
•Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
•Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
•Yo momma like a rifle… four cocks and she’s loaded.
•Yo momma like a bowling ball. She’s picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
•Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
•Yo momma like a Toyota: “Oh what a feelin’!”
•Yo momma like Orange Crush: “Good Vibrations!”
•Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine… five cents a blow.
•Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
•Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner…..a real good suck.
•Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, “LAYS! LAYS!…”
•Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size

YO MOMMA IS SO HAIRY
•Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
•Yo momma so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples!
•Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
•Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
•Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
•Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
•Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker

YO MOMMA IS SO SLUTTY
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
•Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
•Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of Wheaties, with her legs open, and it said “Breakfast of Champions”
•Yo momma so slutty that I could’ve been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
•Yo momma so slutty she had her own “Hands across her ass” charity drive
•Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought he called her three times.
•Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
•Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecoming Disease
•Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.

YO MOMMA HAS
•Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
•Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
•Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
•Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
•Yo momma has a wooden afro with an “X” carved in the back.
•Yo momma has green hair and thinks she’s a tree.
•Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you’re saying.
•Yo momma has a ‘fro with warning lights.
•Yo momma has 10 fingers–all on the same hand.
•Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
•Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
•Yo momma has a short arm and can’t applaud.

YO MOMMA GOT
•Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
•Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
•Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo.
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
•Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
•Yo momma got a’ afro, wit’ a chin strap!!!!
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches.
•Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
•Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
•Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about “Damn, did you see that crap?!”

YO MOMMA’S HOUSE
•Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
•Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
•Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!
•Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

YO MOMMA’S HAIR
•Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stitches.
•Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice.
•Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

YO MOMMA’S HEAD
•Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts.
•Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
•Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
•Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

MISCELLANEOUS
•Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells “Curb Service!”
•Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
•Yo momma aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!
•Yo momma lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.
•Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
•Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
•Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
•Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
•Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
•Yo momma twice the man you are.
•Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
•Yo momma is missing a finger and can’t count past 9.
•Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
•Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
•Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, “You ain’t gonna push me ’round no more.”
•Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonald’s she works in doesn’t even serve Happy Meals.
•Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
•Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
•Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming “I AIN’T STANDING FOR THIS ”
•Yo momma threw a Frisbee three weeks ago that hasn’t landed yet.
•Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
•Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
• If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma’s, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
• It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!

I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me.

“Oldest trick in the book,” I informed him. “You go in to see what’s wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.”

“I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on its back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, “come look at the hamster!”

“Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired sarcastically.

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her.

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it was a little hard to tell,” she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Gross!” they shrieked.

“Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” my wife wanted to know.

“Well, when my parents’ dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away,” I recalled.

“So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?” she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“A breech birth,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug, and Ernie shuddered and let out a little squeal. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

“Should I dial 911?” my daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through it.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, an epidural?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen….Ernie is a boy.”

“What?”

“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah…” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just…just…”

“Excited?” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. “What’s so funny?” I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. “Just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its…its…” she gasped.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have no idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and LeLeche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by her beside throughout the labor and delivery. Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife’s hand afterward and said, emotionally, “Tell me how it was, Darling, how it actually felt to give birth.”

“OK, Honey,” his wife replied. “Smile as big as you can.”

Beaming down at his wife and child, the man followed her instructions. “That’s not hard.”

She continued, “Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth.”

He obeyed, smiling broadly. “Now stretch your lips as far as they’ll go,” she went on.

“Still not too tough,” he remarked.

“Right,” she snapped. “Now pull them over your head.”

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn’t find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she’d offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night.

Then as soon as the man was asleep, he’d be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she’d hold a sign up saying “$50 or I’ll bite hard!”. Of course usually the guy would pay and she’d let him go.

Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay
the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign “$50 or I’ll bite.”

The Newfoundlander just smiled and said, “$100 or I’ll piss!”