Jokes News

In a young classroom, three young children are discussing their fathers’ careers.

The first boy says, “My Dad writed words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem, and gets paid £100 for it.” The boys agree this is impressive.

The second boy says, “My Dad also writes words on a piece of paper. He calls his a song and gets paid £1000 for it.” They all agree this is also impressive.

The third boy says, “My Dad writes words on a piece of paper as well. He calls his a sermon, and it takes four people to collect all the money.”

Do you know what rodeo sex is?

It’s where you mount the woman from behind and start going nice and easy. The you pull back her hair and you whisper into her ear, “Your sister was better!”

Then you try to hold on for eight seconds.

A father and his little boy went into a local drug store to pick up prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display of condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked, “Daddy what are these?”

The father, stuttered, and said, “Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love.”

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked… “Then, why do these come in a pacakage of three?” The father coyly answered, “Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon.”

“OH,” said the little boy, “then why are these in pacakages of six?” The father smirked. “Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon.”

“WOW!” said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, “Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?” The father answered, “Those, my son, are for married men…

(Sigh) One for January, one for February …”

The popular belief is that Heaven and Hell are one under the other. The actual layout is side by side, separated by a wooden fence.

One afternoon on the etheral planes, a group of demons are playing football and manage to crash into the fence, demolishing a large part of it.

God, anger in His eyes, roars over the fence to Satan, “Your little demons did this - therefore you must repair it!”

“Fine,” says Satan. “I’ve got all the builders and contractors over here anyway.”

However, the entire fence is rebuilt four foot further over into heaven.

God was furious!! Storming over to the fence, He shouts,
“You evil bastard!! I’ll sue you for this!!”

To which Satan replies - “Yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?!”

A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

Once, there were three nuns who always did what the priest told them to do.

One day, the priest said, “You three have been very good. You can each go out and do one bad thing.” So, the nuns left.

After about one hour, the first nun came back.
“I ran over a kids’ bike,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Then, another nun came back.
“I beat up the kid,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Finally, the last nun came back, laughing.
“Calm down,sister!” the priest said. “By the way, what did you do?”

The nun replied, “I peed in the holy water.”

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

“I have good news, and I have bad news,” spake Moses as he returned from the peaks of Mt. Sinai. “The good news is that God has reduced the commandments to ten. The bad news is that adultry’s still in.”

A group of sisters from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs. They were quite a sight–seven in a row on one of those seven- seater tandem bikes, headed, of course, by Mother Superior.

They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited “OOOOOOOOOO!”

Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, “Sisters, you must quiet down!”

They went over another bump, “OOOOOOOO!”

Mother Superior again turned around and warned, “Sisters, PLEASE! You’re making a spectacle out of us!”

When they hit another bump, . “OOOOOOOO! they said in unison.

Mother Superior turned around and gruffly said, “Sisters, this is you last warning. One more OOOOOOOO! out of you, and we are going to have to put the seats back on!”

Because of an anticipated voter-turnout much larger than originally expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once.

Therefore, Republicans are asked to vote on Tuesday, November 7, and Democrats on Wednesday, November 8.

Please pass this messagae along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.