Jokes News

“You’re in incredibly fine condition,” the doctor concluded, after finishing a thorough physical exam. “How old did you say you were, Sir?”

“Seventy-eight.”

“Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What’s your secret?”

“I guess, Doc, it’s due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she’d stay in the kitchen ’til she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry, I’d keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down.”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “How could that help you stay so fit?”

“Well, the patient explained, “I guess you could say I’ve lived an outdoor life.”

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?”

The doctor quickly responded, “To avoid criticism.”

When Joe’s wife left him, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, “Life just isn’t worth living anymore.”

“Don’t be stupid, Joe,” said the psychiatrist. “Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?”

“I clean out septic tanks,” Joe replied.

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

“I can’t figure it out Doctor, my testicles are turning purple!?.”

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife (a blonde, of course), “Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?”

“Yes.” she replied.

“And what kind of jelly are you using?” the doctor then asked.

“Grape.” she said.

A blonde walks into the emergency room with a bullet embedded in her left hand.

When asked by the doctor how she got shot in the hand, the blonde confesses, “I was feeling so depressed that I decided to kill myself. So I took a gun and placed it inside my mouth. Then I changed my mind because I did not want to ruin any expensive dental work. I decided to shoot myself in the heart. But then I just had an expensive bust job and I didn’t want to ruin that too. So I placed the gun to my right ear but since the blast from the gun would be too loud, I placed my left hand over my right ear and then pulled the trigger.”

A young couple has been married five years but Debbie has been unable to get pregnant. Then, having missed her menstrual period for a second consecutive month, she visits her doctor who examines her and gives her the good news. “Congratualtions, Debbie,” he smiles, “You’re going to have a baby.”

On the bus going home, Debbie is so happy that she is bursting to tell somebody. She glances at the friendly-looking man sitting beside her and says “Excuse me, sir, but I just received the best news of my life. I’m going to have a baby.”

“Congratulations”, he replies. “I have a little good news myself. I’m a farmer and my hens were laying eggs but. I wasn’t getting any chicks. But I solved that problem and now I have plenty.”

“Oh, that’s nice” says Debbie, “How did you do it?”

“I put a new cock in there.”

“Gee,” smiles Debbie, “What a coincidence.”

An 83-year-old Hillbilly woman was examined by her Doctor. After he was done checking her over, he complimented her on her excellent health and said, “Do you and Jake still have intercourse?”

The lady thought a second and said, “Let me ask Jake, afore I answer.”

She hobbles out to the waiting room and says to her hubby, “Jake, the Doc wants to know iffin we still have intercourse. Do we?”

“No, my dear,” Jake responded, “We now have Blue Cross-Blue Shield.”

A woman goes to see her doctor, complaining of stomach pains and violent vomiting.

The doctor examines her, and then asks her “Well Mrs Jones, do you like changing daipers?”

“Why, am I pregnant?” Mrs Jones replies.

“no, its bowel cancer” said the doctor……

A nervous man with a heart condition, accompanied by his nagging wife, was being examined by a doctor.

After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a super powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, “How often do I take these?”

“Once every six hours. But they’re not for you,” replied the doctor. “They’re for your wife.”

Use a calculator for this joke.

A doctor says to a woman, “You have a sixty-nine inch bustline. (Type 69) That’s too, too, too large. (Enter 222 after 69.) I’m giving you these pills. You have to take them 5 times a day (Enter 51 after 69222) for the next 8 days. (Multiply 6922251 by
Press <>, then flip the calculator upside-down for the effects of the pills!