son of god

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men

—Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”

—Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of

putting up with her shit.

—Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

To do is to be - Descartes

To be is to do - Voltaire

Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra

—Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona

Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!

—Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going

to have trouble with it.

—Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas,Texas

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers

—Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom

Express Lane: Five beers or less

—Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA

You’re too good for him.

—Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevics,Beverly Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

—Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

—Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump

here. Your asshole is in Washington.

—Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.

—Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NorthCarolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

—Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge,Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all

get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

—Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

—The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

—Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson,Arizona

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

—Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

—Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.

—Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.

—Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY

Your Horoscope

AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: Feb. 19 – Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people you resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES: Mar. 21 – Apr. 19 You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

TAURUS: Apr. 20 – May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: May 21- Jun. 22 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: Jun. 21 – Jul. 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO: Jul. 23 – Aug. 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honesty criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: Sept. 23 – Oct. 21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you’re probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: Oct. 22 – Nov. 21 The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22 – Dec. 19 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN: Dec. 20 – Jan. 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Three gang bangers are shot in an aborted holdup. While awaiting their fate to determine whether they are to go to Heaven or to Hell, they sneak out of the holding zone and arrive at the Pearly Gates where upon they are greeted by St. Peter.

“Check it out, bro,” says the lead gang banger to St. Peter. “Dis is where we belong.”

“I’m sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but I don’t see any of your names on the admittance list.”

“Say what?” says the gang banger. “Look closer and check out our rap sheet man,” demands the gang boss.

“I have,” said St. Peter. “You’ve raped, you’ve robbed, you’ve pillaged. There’s no way God would allow your kind here in heaven.”

“Bullshit,” says the gang banger. “I knows God and I’m sure that if you aksed him personally he’d see to it that we’d be welcome with open arms here in Heaven.”

“If you insist, I’ll go ask God,” replies St. Peter. “Just stay put and I’ll be right back.”

With that St. Peter knocks on God’s door and enters.

“Excuse me, Lord, but I’ve got three gang bang members waiting outside the Pearly Gates looking to get in to Heaven. They are insistent that you come down and talk to them,” said St. Peter. “Personally, there is no way their kind is welcome here in Heaven, but I told them I would at least ask you.”

“Judge no man by his outward self,” God responds. “I’ll go and see for myself whether they are worthy of life everafter here in paradise.”

With that God leaves and returns shortly thereafter.

“I went there and they were gone,” said God upon his return.

“The gang bangers were gone?” asked St. Peter.

“No, the Pearly Gates. They were gone!”

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And the #1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than THAT!”

Bill Clinton and the Pope both die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell.

Upon their arrivals at their respectful destinations the Pope begins to argue with Satan that there must have been a mistake.

After checking the computer the devil comes back and tells the Pope that there was a mistake and that he should get on the UP escalator as soon as a replacement can be found in heaven.

Shortly thereafter the devil instructs the Pope to board the UP escalator.

So as the Pope is riding the up escalator he passes Clinton who is on the DOWN escalator. Clinton says to the Pope, “Father I just want you to know that I am taking your place in hell.”

The Pope looks at Clinton and says, “Thank you, my son. I am so happy to be going to heaven. I cannot wait to meet God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary!”

Clinton looks at the Pope and replies, “Well Father, two out of three ain’t bad!”