popular man

10. Every time you are about to be punished, you start a war with another school.

09. You don’t count an oral report as a report.

08. When you get caught without your homework, you blame it on a “vast, 4th grade conspiracy”

07. When your Mom asks if you’ve done your chores, you respond “that depends on what the meaning of the word ‘done’ is”.

06. You get expelled, and your popularity rating goes up 10%.

05. The day after Christmas, you are on the phone having Bettie Curry get back your Christmas gifts.

04. DNA on Ashley Assenmacher’s dress conclusively proves you gave her cooties.

03. You are the only kid in town who got his “Buy 300 happy meals, get one free” card stamped.

02. Little Kenny Starr’s “What I Did This Summer” was a 250 page “referral” about what you did this summer.

And the number one sign your dad is Bill Clinton…

01. Your mother is a woman with a pulse who lived in Arkansas in the 70’s or 80’s.

Children’s books that never quite made it into circulation “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse”
“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
“How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”
“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?” “Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends”
“Bi-Curious George”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“The Really Popular Kid Who Smoked Snow Bongs and Drank”
“The Medicine Cabinet….Not Just For Adults Anymore”

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block!

2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
“Have another beer.”

3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
“Daddy! I want to go to Miami

4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

5: A Policeman pulls over a blonde in a sports car over for speeding. While he is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license is. Finally, after she gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper with you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” Excited “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is tearing throught the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his ‘member’ out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no!!! Not another breathalizer test!”

6: Why did they call the blonde twinkie?
She like to be filled with cream.

7: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.

8: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.

9: There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, “You bimbo, it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

10: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.

11: Why do blondes look up and snile at lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

12: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.

13: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7″

14: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

15: What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

16: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

17: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

18: A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes thelond 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions

19: A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun — they just don’t remember who with.

20: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

21: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet —- All

22: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

23: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

24: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

25: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

26: Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!!!

27: Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

28: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

29: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”

30: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

31: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

32: How does a blond turn the light on after sex?
She opens the door.

33: Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic Genie’s lamp The Genie came out and said: “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.” So she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than her.” She became a brunette.

The third blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than both of them.” So she became a man.

34: How do you keep a blond in suspense?
Tell you later!

35: What do blondes say after sex?
“Thanks, guys!”

36: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room!

37: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

38: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

39: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn’t know what ONE came first…

40: How can you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to site in the corner.

41: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick’em, stick’em, and send’em on their way.

42: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
“Oh, it’s not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. We’re just going to sell drinks!!!

43: How do blond brain cells die?
Alone

44: What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant!

45: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

46: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

47: A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “Do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

48: What did the blonds left leg say to her right?
Nothing, they’ve never met!

49: What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

50: A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”

“Oh, no!” she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy.

“Who was God’s son?” said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, “Andy!”

“That’s interesting… What made you say that?” asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing, “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”

51: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re screwed.

52: What’s the difference between a blond on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
None, they are both screwed!

53: A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.

“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”

54: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A branch manager.

55: Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

55a: Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

56: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

57: What do call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

58: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

59: Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

60: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10,000 men.

61: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 10p to use a telephone!

62: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

63: After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, “Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those.”

64: What do blondes and McDonald’s have in common?
Over five billion served

65: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

66: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted

67: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren’t admitted!!!

68: A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she’s beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy.

One day, she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and
after a few seconds and guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.

The lovely blonde says emphatically, “But I’m not just beautiful! I’m smart too!!”

“Yeah, yeah. I believe you,” says the young stud. “Now let’s go.”

Again she protests. “No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states.”

The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. “Really, go ahead ask me a state. I’ll give you its capital and show you how smart I am.”

Just to get rid of her, the guy says, “Fine. What’s the capital of New Mexico?”

The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. “New Mexico has two capitals: ‘N’ and ‘M’.”

69: Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who’s the father of their babies.
The brunette says “My baby’s either Steve’s or Jim’s.”
The redhead says “Mine’s either John’s or Bob’s.”
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice “I wonder if it’s mine.”

70: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

71: What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?
Easy money

72: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her that she’s pregnant.

73: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone’s been in a limo!

74: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said, “My boyfriend’s like 7-Up. He’s seven inches long and he’s always up.”

The brunette said, “My boyfriend’s like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time.”

The blonde said, “My boyfriend’s like Jack Daniels.”

The brunette cut in, “You can’t use Jack Daniels. That’s a hard liquor.”

A smile crossed the blonde’s face. “I know.”

75: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?
They’re broken, they’re working, they’re not working, working, not working….

76: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

77: There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she was too tired to go on, then she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.”

So she swam out 19 miles from the island. The mainland was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back to the island.

78: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
Because she threw out all the W’s.

79: How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

80: How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

81: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.

82: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

83: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4

84: A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the pharmacist and asks “How much for a box of rubbers?”

“They’re $1 for a box of 3,” he replied, “Plus 6
cents for the tax.”

“Oh,” said the blonde, “I wondered how they kept them on.”

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone says, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”? Are you “broker” after doing business with him?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced, “onety one”?

“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do.” is the longest “sentence”?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?

Hello, my name is Jonathan McKenzie. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn’t that fun?
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

——————————————————-
Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

——————————————————-
Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could HappenTo You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
——————————————————-
Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells
like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of arseholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…
-no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.
———————————————————–

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll find your balls missing tomorrow morning.