mighty god

Three Texans cross the border into Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in a Mexican jail. They are told that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first guy is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am a graduate student from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they assume God does not want this guy to die, and they let him go.

The second guy is strapped in and is asked for his last words. “I am a graduate student at the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to protect the innocent.” The switch is thrown, and again nothing happens. Believing that Justice has intervened, they release him.

The last guy is strapped in and is asked his last words. “I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering at Texas A&M, and I’ll tell you right now you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t replace that burnt fuse.”

January 10: It’s 5pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in many years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so pristine and beautiful. Things could not be any better.

January 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight - just the finest we nearly ever saw. Every tree and schrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in many years and was absolutely thrilled. I loved it! I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. I’m satisfied that was done in error and he was genuinely sorry. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. Lotsa fun!

January 12: It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. It seemed almighty cold — not at all like it was back in Tennessee. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now much of the snow is brownish gray. Be kinda nice if some of it would melt or go away.

January 13: It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell and busted my ass in the driveway. $145 to the chiropractor (my copay) but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 14: Still cold as dammit! Had another eight inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. Both vehicles in salt and crud. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did lots of damage to the right front fender. The goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

January 15: It’s two fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater. Tripped over the heater and almost burned the fucking house down. I managed to put out the flames but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 16: Goddamn mother fucking white shit keeps coming down. I have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew his chest open and rip his fucking heart out! The smartass hides around the corner and waits until I shovel the driveway again. Power is off again. Toilet froze and part of the roof started to cave in.

January 17: Six more goddamn fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleep and fucking ice and no telling what other kind of white fucking shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Truck won’t start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t feel my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More white shit predicted. Wind chill is two degrees below zero.

I’M MOVING MY ASS BACK TO GOOD OLE TENNESSEE!!!

OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER EXAM
Answers below

1. “Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________.”

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was
“Turn on; tune in;________________.”

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into
the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was
that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer,
“I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave
behind?__________________

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll.
One of the most memorable folk songs included these
lyrics: “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,
look out your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason
I’m travelling on,_______________________.”

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic con-
vention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were
known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the ________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our ________________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read
about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane.
What was the name of Dick and Jane’s dog?______

9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back and the
trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the
VW. What other name(s) did it go by? ___________ &
________________

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the ________________and the ________________.

11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists
“hippies.” But in the early sixties, they were known as
________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always
seemed to get the short end of the stick in the
television program, “The Life of Riley.” At the end of
each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
exclaim, “What a ________________.”

13. “Get your kicks, ________________.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed ________________.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: ________________.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller - the one that con-
tained all the “dirty” dialogue - was called _________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around
with a calculator strapped to their belt. But back in the
sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about “the day
the music died.” This was a reference and tribute to
________________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver
who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the
front seat of a convertible. The matching slogan was
“Let Hertz ________________.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we
could go in a dance called the ________________.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best ________.”

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style of Jane
Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the “trim” look,
as first exemplified by British model ________________.

24. Sachmo was America’s “ambassador of goodwill.” Our
parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason’s variety show in the sixties, one of
the most popular segments was “Joe, the Bartender.”
Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off-
center, but lovable character, ________________. (The
character’s name, not the actor’s.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it; it was called ________________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a
large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it
was called the ________________.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical ________________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton’s hobo character (not
the hayseed; the hobo) was ________________.
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and ________________.”

ANSWERS

1. “Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb.” If you said “ears,”
you’re in the wrong millennium, pal; you’ve spent way
too much time in Latin class.

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was “Turn
on; tune in; drop out.” Many people who proclaimed
that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders
and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of
you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the
screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone
Ranger without his mask!

4. “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out
your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason I’m
travelling on; Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 were known as the
Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, “They would like
me to mention their names.”

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our draft cards. If you said “bras,” you’ve got
the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I
was watching. The “bra burning” days came as a by-
product of women’s liberation move- ment which had
nothing directly to do with the Viet Nam war.

8. Dick and Jane’s dog was Spot. “See Spot run.”
Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have
been replaced in some school systems by “Heather Has
Two Mommies.”

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were
known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic
beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but
no beat.

12. At the end of “The Life of Riley,” Chester would turn to
the camera and exclaim, “What a revolting development
this is.”

13. “Get your kicks, on Route 66.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have
been changed to protect the innocent.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: shaken, not stirred.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of
Cancer. Today, it would hardly rate a PG-13 rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
slide rule.

19. “The day the music died” was a reference and tribute to
Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was “Let Hertz put you in the
driver’s seat.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best………..
chooo-c’late.” In the television commercial, “chocolate”
was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth
flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style gave way to the
“trim” look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with
us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was
called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex
watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist
was called the hula-hoop.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical “Hair.”

30. Red Skelton’s hobo character was Freddie the Free-
loader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the “hay seed.”)
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and may God bless.”