madam madam

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child, and not having had any luck, they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really ?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and if I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my god!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh … equipment?”.

“That’s right. Well, Madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? … Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

One day, this lady decided to breed chickens. She found out, though, that she was unlucky in this hobby. Finally, she wrote to the Department of agriculture, hoping to get some helpful advice.

Her letter read, “Dear Sir or Madam, every morning when I go to check on my prize chickens, I always find one or two of them lying all stiff and cold on the ground with their legs in the air. Would you please be kind enough to tell me what’s wrong?”

About a week later, she recieved a reply letter that read, “Dear Madam, Your chickens are dead.”

The old lady called the police complaining of an indecent exposure!

When the police arrived, she said: The man across the street is always walking around his house naked! Exposing his genitalia and everything!

The Officer takes a look and says: Madam! All I can see of him is his neck and his head! He is not exposing himself!

NO! Stand atop the fridge and you’ll see!

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill

He was a wise man, who invented beer. –Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –Churchill’s reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson

A woman goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

The woman replies, “Yes. And we’re both going to be real careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we?”