baby lion

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CB’ers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ‘em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS do it to those in need.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.WRITERS have novel ways.

5. I’m not the best looking guy but I can do it all night long.
4.Your daddy must be a farmer, cause those are some great melons.
3.Is that your real hair?
2.You have hair like a lioness. I could be your lion king.
1.Baby you have teeth like a beaver. Would you like to naw on my log?

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden…my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped…… …..Baby Ruth!

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

* If the advertisement says, “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block!

2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
“Have another beer.”

3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
“Daddy! I want to go to Miami

4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

5: A Policeman pulls over a blonde in a sports car over for speeding. While he is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license is. Finally, after she gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper with you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” Excited “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is tearing throught the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his ‘member’ out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no!!! Not another breathalizer test!”

6: Why did they call the blonde twinkie?
She like to be filled with cream.

7: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.

8: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.

9: There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, “You bimbo, it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

10: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.

11: Why do blondes look up and snile at lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

12: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.

13: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7″

14: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

15: What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

16: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

17: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

18: A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes thelond 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions

19: A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun — they just don’t remember who with.

20: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

21: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet —- All

22: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

23: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

24: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

25: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

26: Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!!!

27: Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

28: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

29: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”

30: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

31: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

32: How does a blond turn the light on after sex?
She opens the door.

33: Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic Genie’s lamp The Genie came out and said: “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.” So she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than her.” She became a brunette.

The third blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than both of them.” So she became a man.

34: How do you keep a blond in suspense?
Tell you later!

35: What do blondes say after sex?
“Thanks, guys!”

36: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room!

37: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

38: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

39: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn’t know what ONE came first…

40: How can you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to site in the corner.

41: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick’em, stick’em, and send’em on their way.

42: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
“Oh, it’s not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. We’re just going to sell drinks!!!

43: How do blond brain cells die?
Alone

44: What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant!

45: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

46: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

47: A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “Do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

48: What did the blonds left leg say to her right?
Nothing, they’ve never met!

49: What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

50: A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”

“Oh, no!” she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy.

“Who was God’s son?” said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, “Andy!”

“That’s interesting… What made you say that?” asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing, “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”

51: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re screwed.

52: What’s the difference between a blond on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
None, they are both screwed!

53: A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.

“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”

54: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A branch manager.

55: Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

55a: Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

56: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

57: What do call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

58: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

59: Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

60: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10,000 men.

61: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 10p to use a telephone!

62: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

63: After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, “Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those.”

64: What do blondes and McDonald’s have in common?
Over five billion served

65: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

66: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted

67: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren’t admitted!!!

68: A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she’s beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy.

One day, she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and
after a few seconds and guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.

The lovely blonde says emphatically, “But I’m not just beautiful! I’m smart too!!”

“Yeah, yeah. I believe you,” says the young stud. “Now let’s go.”

Again she protests. “No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states.”

The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. “Really, go ahead ask me a state. I’ll give you its capital and show you how smart I am.”

Just to get rid of her, the guy says, “Fine. What’s the capital of New Mexico?”

The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. “New Mexico has two capitals: ‘N’ and ‘M’.”

69: Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who’s the father of their babies.
The brunette says “My baby’s either Steve’s or Jim’s.”
The redhead says “Mine’s either John’s or Bob’s.”
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice “I wonder if it’s mine.”

70: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

71: What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?
Easy money

72: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her that she’s pregnant.

73: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone’s been in a limo!

74: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said, “My boyfriend’s like 7-Up. He’s seven inches long and he’s always up.”

The brunette said, “My boyfriend’s like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time.”

The blonde said, “My boyfriend’s like Jack Daniels.”

The brunette cut in, “You can’t use Jack Daniels. That’s a hard liquor.”

A smile crossed the blonde’s face. “I know.”

75: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?
They’re broken, they’re working, they’re not working, working, not working….

76: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

77: There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she was too tired to go on, then she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.”

So she swam out 19 miles from the island. The mainland was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back to the island.

78: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
Because she threw out all the W’s.

79: How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

80: How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

81: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.

82: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

83: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4

84: A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the pharmacist and asks “How much for a box of rubbers?”

“They’re $1 for a box of 3,” he replied, “Plus 6
cents for the tax.”

“Oh,” said the blonde, “I wondered how they kept them on.”