adam god

In the beginning after God created Adam and Eve, he asked, “Which one would like to pee standing up?”

Adam went crazy, shouting that he wanted to pee standing up.

“Fine,” said God, “Women get multiple orgasms.”

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don’t want to see what’s on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles
on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is …

When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!”

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden Of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me. You have surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.”

“What’s a woman, Lord?”

“This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Sounds great!” exclaims Adam.

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this woman cost me, Lord?”

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam responds, “Well, Lord, what can I get for a rib?”

The rest, as they say, is history.

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child, and not having had any luck, they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really ?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and if I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my god!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh … equipment?”.

“That’s right. Well, Madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? … Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill

He was a wise man, who invented beer. –Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –Churchill’s reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson