Th th th Jokes - page 72

10 Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend’s Parents

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check! 5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.…

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A Fine Feathered Friend

Charlie loved his parrot. He loved him soo much that one day he noticed that his feathers were falling off little by little. He decided to take him to the local vet to ask a doctor about the problem. “Dr. Vinnie, my parrot is losing his feathers. What can I do to solve this problem?” “Charlie, all you have to do is shave his beak with a file approximately half an inch, then his feathers will all be back when…

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Is That How It Really Happened?

Every night just before bedtime, Little Johnny listens to his father reading fairy tales. Having a deep sense of humor, his father usually ad-libs some parts of the fairy tales just for fun. One day, Little Johnny is in class listening to the teacher reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. The teacher reads, “… and the little pig met a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. So the little pig said to the man, ‘Excuse me, mister.…

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The Saw

There was this construction worker on the 7th floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get one for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eye (meaning “I”) then pointed…

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Speaking Southern

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has ‘mater samiches The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services The South has family reunions The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names The South has double first names The North has Ted Kennedy The South has Jesse Helms The North has an ambulance The South has an amblance The North has the Mafia, The South has…

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The Old Lady

The old lady called the police complaining of an indecent exposure! When the police arrived, she said: The man across the street is always walking around his house naked! Exposing his genitalia and everything! The Officer takes a look and says: Madam! All I can see of him is his neck and his head! He is not exposing himself! NO! Stand atop the fridge and you’ll see!

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fatherly advice

One day a 18 year old boy is visiting his father. He is about to move out and get his own place. So he asks his father if he has any last advice. His dad looks at him and says, “You know son, this might be the most important thing I’ve ever told you.” He says, “I want you to always remember this, it’s eighteen years of child support if you break a condom.” The boy looks at him and…

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Top 20 things you will NEVER hear a woman say

1. We both work and you got the check last time. Let me get it. 2. I don’t need another pair of shoes. I have a closet full of them I don’t wear now. 3. Maybe this isn’t the right time time talk about this. Let’s talk later. 4. We always talk about how I feel. How do you feel? If you don’t know, that’s OK. 5. You’re right, I’m wrong. I’m sorry. 6. I’m sorry I made such a…

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Three Housewives

Three housewives are having lunch together in a small diner. Over dessert and coffee, they are discussing their suspicions regarding their spouses’ infidelities. The first housewife says, “You know, I once found a pair of panty hose in the pocket of my husband’s coat and it’s not mine.” “Tell me about it,” says the second housewife. “Several weeks ago, I found a box of condoms in my husband’s drawer. And I know he never uses them whenever we have sex.”…

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