Th th th Jokes - page 387

Answering machines

~~~~ My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid…

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Dead Dog

A man thinking his dog was dead takes him to the vet. The vet takes the dog and runs a series of tests on him. For the last test he takes a cat out from a cage and lets the cat run up and down on the dog’s back. The vet then tells the man that the dog is indeed dead. The vet then charges the man $120. A $120 dollars! Why!!! $20 for the office call. $100 for the…

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Engine Trouble

One day a blonde and a redhead were on a flight to Texas. They were one hour into the flight when they heard a loud BOOM! The pilot comes over the intercom and says, “Sorry for the noise folks. It seems that one of our engines has blown. But we have 3 other engines left so we will only be an hour off our arrival time.” Then 5 minutes later there was another loud BOOM! The pilot came over the…

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Drunken man

There is this cop who is running low on his quota for the month and decides to check out one of the rowdier bars in town to catch some drunks. So, he’s waiting outside when about closing time this guy walks out, staggering, and falls down on the sidewalk. The cop is thinking, “boy, he’s drunk, this will be a good arrest.” The drunk guy crawls to his car, fiddles with his keys for about 30 minutes until he finds…

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Son of a parrot

A skinhead type gets on the bus with an orange Mohawk cut all spiked out, green side burns, the whole bit. Another more conventional and a generation older man can’t take his eyes of him. Finally the skinhead says, “What’s the matter, old man? Can’t stand something different?” The man replies kindly, “Oh no! It’s just that I screwed a parrot once and you may be my son.”

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Hell?

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. “Why are the curtains closed?” he asked. “Am I going to be ok?” A nurse replied, “Yes, you’re going to be fine. It is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful.”

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Doctors office

A man walks in the doctors with a carrot sticking out of his ear, spaggeti all over his hair, and corn flakes down his front. The doctor says you haven’t been eating properly have you?

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feet first

One day in Sunday school, the teacher asked if anybody knew how to get to Heaven? Dirty Johnny replied, “Feet first”. The teacher asked him how this could be and Dirty Johnny said, “Last week I walked by my parents’ room and my mom’s feet were spread up in the air and she was screaming, “OH GOD, OH GOD, I’M COMING, I’M COMING” and my daddy was on top of her holding her down saying, “NO PLEASE, NOT YET, NOT…

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