Th th th Jokes - page 439

Lingerie Purchase

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, “If you can read this you’re too damn close!” embroidered on her panties and bra. “Yes madame,” said the helpful clerk. “I’m quite certian that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?” “Braille,” she replied.

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Costume

The new Halloween costume is Monica Lewinsky. It comes with a blue dress, mayonnaise, a cigar, a beret, and the official White House kneepads.

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Last Words

Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not…

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Fidel Dies

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in Heaven. Fidel must go to Hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in Heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No hay problema. I’ll send a couple of…

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Snatch-eating Frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box. and it says…”Snatch Eating Frogs $20.00 each comes with instructions)”. She looks at it for a minute…looks around to see if anyone’s watching her… and whispers to the man behind the counter…”I’LL TAKE ONE!” He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog…

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A True ‘Friendly Skies’ Story

Years ago, a united Airlines flight at Denver’s old Stapleton International Airport was canceled. As a harried United agent was re-booking the inconvenienced passengers on other flights, an angry primmadonna flier pushed his way to the front of the line, slapped his ticket down on the counter and exclaimed, “I MUST be on THIS flight, and it must be FIRST CLASS!” The agent was polite and apologized for the inconvenience the passenger was experiencing, but said that to be fair,…

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Elevator Joke

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F”. He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.” The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time. The man smiled back to her…

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Wrestling for Money

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground, and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that…

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