Bu Jokes - page 75

Photo Retouching

Sybil brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that. Then he asked her which side of his head he parted his hair on. “I forget,” Sybil said. “But you can see that for yourself when you remove his hat.”

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The Urinal List

Men, the next time you go to the public toilets, you may observe one of the following types of vistors: Excitable Type: Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type: Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not. Timid Type: Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type: Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow’s tool. Indifferent Type: All urinals being…

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Bill’s Oscar Meyer Song

His baloney has a first name, It’s “I-did-not-inhale.” His baloney has a second name, “I-wasn’t-getting-tail.” Oh, he loves to sling it every day… The White House people all just saaaaaay… That Bill Clinton has-a-way Of making bullshit sound o-kaaay.

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The Bike Ride

A joke told about my father, Officer Harold Padgett, who was a traffic cop at the time…… George had just gotten a brand new ten speed bike when he got the notion in his head that he was going to ride his new bike across the state. George hopped on his bike and peddled away toward this new adventure. Twenty miles down the road, George is huffing and puffing all the peddling, so he pulls into a gas to take…

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Scent of the Day

This little old lady lives New York and after a long day goes home to her hotel. She passes the doorman and heads for the elevator. She pushes her floor, number 15, and the elevator begins to rise, but eventually stops on the third floor. Suddenly, this beautiful brunette walks into the elevator. As the elevator resumes ascending, the old lady begins sniffing the brunette. The brunette tosses her hair back and says, “Calvin Klein, $75 an ounce.” The elevator…

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BLONDE

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She walks into her boyfriends aparment and he is in a red heads arms. The boyfriend gets up and says, “Honey what are you doing here?” She pulls out the gun and points it at her boyfrien then at her head. The boyfriend yells, “Honey don’t do it!” The blonde yells backat him, “Shutup your next!

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WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM

WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?” Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.” And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be…

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Pop n’ Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel “Pop n’ Fresh” died last week at age 71 due to a severe yeast infection. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.” Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.…

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Redneck

You might be a redneck if…. One morning you’re sitting at the breakfast table staring at your orange juice because it says concentrate. Instead of taking your pants to get hemmed you walk them off. Your family tree goes straight up. The family business is Billy Bob’s Taxidermy Service.

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Too Much Coffee

You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When… You ski uphill. You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffee pot clean. You spend your vacations visiting “Maxwell House”. Your eyes…

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