Yea Jokes - page 36

If Men Got Pregnant,…

If men got pregnant… – maternity leave would last two years, with full pay. – there would be a cure for stretch marks. – natural childbirth would become obsolete. – morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem. – all methods of birth control would be 100% effective. – all children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. – men would be eager to talk about commitment. – briefcases would be used as diaper bags. –…

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The 12 Days Of A Cajun Christmas

The 12 Days Of A Cajun Christmas Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las’ night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma. Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem. Day 3:…

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Early Christmas Shopping

It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man, “Well, Mr. Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year ?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor,” replies Mr. Jones humbly. “That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?” “Just before the store opened.”

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50th Anniversary

An old couple decided to go to the same hotel they went to on their honeymoon for their 50th Anniversary. The husband is sitting in bed when his wife takes off her clothes at the foot of the bed and says, “Do you remember what you were thinking when you first saw me naked 50 years ago?” “Yes,” said the husband, “I was thinking that I was going to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” “And what…

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He Got Nailed

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveing at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair–there were plenty of other cars around me going just as…

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What a Loss!

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bothering you? You look anxious.” “Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” Jill explained. “Oh, that’s too bad,” Linda sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.” “Yeah, I am,” Jill admitted. “He’ll miss me.”

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Wind

An 85 year old woman was standing at a bus stop. The wind was really blowing. She had her hands up on her head holding her hat to keep it from blowing away. With her hands on her hat the wind was blowing her dress up over her waist. Everything could be seen. A young man came up to her and asked, “Why are standing in the wind holding your hat? Your dress blowing over your waist. Everyone at the…

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Atomic Humor

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.” ———————————————- Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

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TAXI DRIVER

A young woman and Mandy, her 6-year-old daughter, were in New York City trying to hail a cab when the little girl noticed several women who were obviously prostitutes dressed outrageously and loitering seductively on a nearby street corner. A taxi pulled over and Mandy and her mother climbed in. As Mandy’s mother was about to tell the driver their destination, Mandy asked what the ladies on the corner were waiting for. Thinking quickly, her mother replied “They’re waiting for…

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