Uck Jokes - page 53

The House of Ill Repute

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. “Would ye look at that, Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinnin’ in a house the likes of that place!” They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted…

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Midget in a bar

Midget walks into a bar, throws a five dollar bill on the table and says to the bartender, “Give me a five dollar shot of your best whiskey! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight?” The bartender pours the midget a nice healthy shot of Crown Royal and says, “Well, I’d say the large fellow at the end of the bar is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.” Well the midget…

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The Mafia

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.” The Godfather says, “Well…ask him where the damn money is”…

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New State Mottos for the 21st Century

Alabama: At Least We’re Not Mississippi Alaska: But It’s a Dry Cold Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing California: Nouvelle Cuisine and Religions You Never Heard Of Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Forget It Connecticut: Like Massachusetts Only Dirtier Delaware: You’ll Love the Chemicals in Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)…

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pool playing monkey

One day a man and his monkey walk into a bar. The Bartender says “Let the monkey down to play.” The man says “No, Cause I’m afraid he’ll mess something up.” The Bartender says “it’ll be alright.” So the man lets the monkey down, The monkey runs and jumps on the pool table and swallows the Q-ball. The mans says “I told you he’d mess something up.” So the man picks up the monkey and leaves the bar. The next…

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Dr. Suess in Computer Land

What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus in interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t…

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Hospitalized Rabbi

A rabbi had a terrible car wreck and was rushed to a local Catholic hospital. After the doctors patched him up, he recuperated in the orthopedic ward for several weeks. As he recovered from his injuries, he became friends with a nun who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, “Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?” “Oh, Sister,” chuckled the…

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Three Cowboys. . .

Three cowboys sat around a western campfire, each with that macho bravado we’ve come to expect from the American West and the American Cowboy. The first cowboy pipes up, “You know, a bull got loose in the corral today . . . gored six men to death before I wrestled him to the ground and slit his throat with my fingernail.” The second cowboy, not wanting to be bested, said. “Oh yeah, well just last week a rattler, six feet…

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Father and son

A father is taking a bath with his son and the son says, “Daddy, what’s that?” Father says, “I don’t know, it just grew there.” Son says: “You’re lucky it didn’t grow on your face.”

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