Ting Jokes - page 60

Tips for Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren’t necessary…

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Star Wars featuring the Road-Crossing Chicken

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road… In the Words of the Star Wars Characters YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great. DARTH VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side. LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…totally different. LEIA: I don’t know…but I have a bad feeling about this. HAN: Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you’re gonna be a permanent resident! C3P0: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing…

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Read JokeStar Wars featuring the Road-Crossing Chicken

Debbie Doesn’t Do Donald

While Debbie is having last-minute discussions with the caterer for her wedding reception, she takes her mother aside and asks her to buy a long lacy black negligee, and to pack it carefully in her suitcase for the honeymoon trip to follow. Unfortunately, Mom has so many other arrangements to take care of that she forgets Debbie’s specific requests, buys a short pink nightie, and throws it into the suitcase. Because Debbie and her bridegroom Donald have not been intimate,…

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Read JokeDebbie Doesn’t Do Donald

By Golly, He’s Right!!!

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal: Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if, and only if, he could learn and remember the formula for water by the day of the game. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star, and were confident that he’d come through with flying colors. On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle…

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Read JokeBy Golly, He’s Right!!!

Service with a smile

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve…

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Endangered Meal

One day this guy is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says..”Hey fella…What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can’t kill it and eat it!” The cop arrests him and takes him to jail… The next day he goes to court and the judge says, “Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in…

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Technology Organizational Chart

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of…

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Read JokeTechnology Organizational Chart

The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was…

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Santa’s Really Bitter

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the…

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Read JokeSanta’s Really Bitter