Th th th Jokes - page 562

On the first day of school the teacher announces, “To get to know the class better, I’d like each child to tell us their name, what their father does for a living, spell it, and if he were here what would he give the class?” The first boy says, “Hi, my name is Johhny. My daddy is a baker, B-A-K-E-R and if my father was here he would give the class a muffin.” Next girl says, “Hi, my name is…

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what…

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After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That’s nice,” the teacher says. “If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” Alice does, and she gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played in the sandbox with Alice.” The teacher says, “Good. If you can write…

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Max comes home to this wife, Minnie, on Christmas Eve and says, “I left the mall in such a hurry today, I forgot to get two things.” “Like what?” Minnie asks. “For one thing,” Max says, “I forgot to get wrapping paper.” “That’s okay,” Minnie says. “You don’t need to wrap my present.” “Actually,” Max says, “that’s the other thing.”

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MARY: Hey Mom, these nice boys bet me $10.00 that I would not climb the light pole. MOM: Don’t, they’ll see your panties. THE NEXT DAY MARY: I climbed the light pole & instead of $10 those nice boys gave me $100! MOM: Did they see your panties? MARY: Nope! I didn’t wear any.

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During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard. “Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?” asked the guard. “To visit my mother, Sir.” “Step inside. You will be searched,” ordered the guard. The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious. This routine was repeated every day for several…

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One day, George was cleaning out the attic and in one box, he found a claim ticket for a pair of shoes at the local shoe repair shop. What caught his attention was the date on the claim ticket which read June 30, 1989 – nearly ten years ago. Amused by his discovery, George went downstairs and showed the claim ticket to his wife Martha. Scrutinizing the piece of paper, Martha remarked, “Hmmm, I can’t recall if I had any…

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10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.) 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.) 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.) 5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.) 4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.) 3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.) 2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.) 1.…

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One day a man put his father in a rest home. His father didn’t want to be there but just to please his son he would stay there for a while. The first morning the old man woke up with a boner and immediately after he woke up a beautiful nurse pulled down his pants and started to give him the best blow job he’d ever had. As soon as she was done she cleaned up and left without saying…

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