Th th th Jokes - page 333

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others…

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Now that Barbie is nearing 40, we’ve created new dolls that more realistically reflect her current life-style. 1. Bifocals Barbie: Includes her own set of blended lens fashion frames in 6 wild colors. Includes neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and see her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead and upper lip. Complete with tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie:…

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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. Pride is what we…

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While John Ford was directing a film for Samuel Goldwyn, the shooting schedule fell one day behind. Goldwyn visited the set, pointed out this fact, and inquired what the director was going to do about it. “Sam, about how many script pages do you think I should shoot a day?” asked Ford. “About five,” was the rather uncertain response. Ford picked up the script and ripped out five pages. “Okay,” he said, now we’re back on schedule.”

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