Th th th Jokes - page 113

A Day with Jesus

Pushing his way to the front of the crowd, Jesus waved his arms if front of the mad throng. When they had quieted, he helped up a woman whom they had been pelting with stones. “This is wrong! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly a rock came flying from the midst of the mob, and caught the woman square in the forehead. Looking across the sea of faces, Jesus swore, “Dammit! Is that you, Mother?”

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The Glass-eyed Blonde

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. “Oh my god, I am sooo sorry,” the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place.…

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Three men go to heaven

Three men – one Jewish, one Hispanic and one Italian – die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says there is only room for one soul at this time. He continues to say that the Pearly Gates need repair and the three men must offer bids to God to repair the Gates. Whoever gives the best bid will then be permitted to enter. Each man goes off in a different direction to carefully…

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three Mama Jokes

1. Your mama is like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. 2. Your mama is so stupid, she peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies. 3. Your mama so stupid she thought 2pac Shakur was Jewish

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Who’s the Dog?

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name “Marylou” written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation!” “Calm down, Honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.” The next morning, his wife…

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What’s On the Menu?

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

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Blonde to the Rescue

A blonde was cooking in her kitchen one morning and she started a grease fire (big surprise!) so she called 911 (after looking up the number of course). She finally reached the fire department and said, “Help! I have a fire, please come quickly!” The fireman responded, “Ma’am, how do we get there?” The blonde responded, “Big red truck, DUH!”

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Wait for them

A very elderly couple went to see a lawyer. They were ushered gently into the lawyer’s inner office, and sat across the desk from the attorney who was studying the couple’s papers. He looked up after a moment. “How can I help you today, Mr. and Mrs. Watson?” The woman piped up in a thin, reedy voice. “We’ve come to get your help in filing for a divorce.” “A divorce?” The lawyer was stunned. “If you don’t mind my asking,…

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The Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, “You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “You protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came…

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