Ted Jokes - page 86

Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New…

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THE SALARY THEOREM

Usually, Dilbert is very realistic, but never so much as in this! Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that: “Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: (which we all accept as true) Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer and scientist knows: Power = Work/Time Since: Knowledge = Power and Time = Money,…

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Janet Reno

Word started getting out about Snow White’s mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves. Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all. Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person. And, Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror. As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said, “Oh, I really *am* the most beautiful…

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Read JokeJanet Reno

Resumania

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples: “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.) “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”…

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Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, Mom decided to play a trick on her. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven un-stuffed it, re-stuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put the stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back…

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Johnny Appleseed

Little Johnny asks his teacher: “How are the babies made?” Teacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents. When he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, “Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!” The mother, in her turn, says: “Oh! It is a difficult question, why don’t you better speak to granddad!” Grandfather is sitting…

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Diary of a Viagra Housewife

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he…

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The Economics of Art

Friends lunching at the home of Pablo Picasso in the south of France commented on the fact that their host had none of his own paintings on the walls. “Why is that, Pablo?” one of them asked. “Don’t you like them?” “On the contrary,” replied the painter, “I like them very much. It’s just that I can’t afford them.”

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Adam & Eve decided

In the beginning after God created Adam and Eve, he asked, “Which one would like to pee standing up?” Adam went crazy, shouting that he wanted to pee standing up. “Fine,” said God, “Women get multiple orgasms.”

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One of those Day-vorces

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorces.” The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said,…

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Read JokeOne of those Day-vorces