Ted Jokes - page 84

Blonde Jokes… A List

How do you confuse a blonde boy? You put him in a circular room and tell him to pee in the corner. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm. Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies? Because the sign said, “Seventeen and under not admitted.” What do you call a blonde holding a dollar over her head All you can eat under a buck A dumb blonde and a smart blonde jump off of a roof.…

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Summer Love for Bill & Monica

Sing the song below to the tune of “Summer Lovin’” from the musical “Grease.” Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast” Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast” Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me” Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees” Bill: “Summer days sucking away but, oh oh, those summer nights” Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah UH! Tell us more, tell us more” Linda Tripp: “Try to remember your best” Investigation Committee: “Tell us more,…

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Bobby Knight Meets God

Three coaches flew to the NCAA Convention. The plane crashed, and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. Then he wanted to know three things: “Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?” The first coach said, “I’m Denny Crum. I was the second-best coach in the nation. I won two national championships and over 20…

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Presidential Election Process

Around the time the Clinton impeachment hearings were under way, I was taking a political science class at a community college. One of our assignments was to prepare a speech on anything related to the presidency. I’ll never forget when a Japanese student went to the front of the class to deliver his speech: “My speech today is on the Presidential erection process.” The whole class was cracking up throughout the whole speech because of phrases like “the president’s wife…

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Grandma’s pee

A bus, whose doors are open all the time was riding through town. In comes an old woman, and as she find herself a seat, she suddenly felt the urge to pee. Unfortunately, her stop is still far away, so she decided to pee out of the bus’s door when no one is looking. As the bus rides, she went to the most back door, lifted her skirt and peed. Unfortunately though, some of her pee landed in a young…

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The Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast l cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or…

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your mama so…

Your mama?s so nasty that when she goes to a hair salon, she says she needs a trim and opens up her shirt! Your mama’s so nasty she slows down Speed-Stick!! Your mama?s nose so big she makes Pinnochio look like a cat! Your mama?s so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Your mama?s so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world! Your mama?s so fat she has been declared a natural habitat…

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Blonde Ambition

Sick and tired of hearing all those nasty blonde jokes and of how all blondes are perceived to be dumb, this blonde is determined to show her husband that blondes are really smart. While her husband is off to work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 pm…

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The Fastest Gunfighter

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive. Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid sidled up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, “I got a suggestion that’s sure to help.” “Tell me, tell me!” said the newbie. “Tie the bottom…

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A Poem For Those Over 30…

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you…

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