Tea time Jokes - page 6

You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When… You ski uphill. You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffee pot clean. You spend your vacations visiting “Maxwell House”. Your eyes…

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Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good, because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and…

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1. When you’re playing the piano, you frequently lose your grip on the bow. 2. You go to bed and accidentally fluff up your head. 3. You’re absolutely convinced nostalgia is a thing of the past. 4. You go to bed and purposely fluff up your head. 5. You purchase season tickets to the Super Bowl. 6. You have trouble picking your shadow out of a crowd. 7. You’ve caught yourself waving “Goodbye” instead of “Hello” when answering the telephone.…

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The English language is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And…

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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitor’s favor, the home quarterback finally blew his top. “How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you…

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Bobby was so excited about his first day at school that only a few minutes after the first-grade class had begun, he realized the he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Bobby raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher, Miss Adams, said yes but told Bobby to hurry back. Five minutes later, Bobby returned, looking more desperate than before. “I can’t find it,” he explained. Miss Adams drew a little…

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1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3.Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice. 4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5.Repeat every third third word you say say. 6.Give your claim to fame…

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Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and momma went…

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