Pot Jokes - page 25

You know you work in 1990s Corporate America when….

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!” Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.” Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”. Change is the norm. Nepotism is…

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It’s A Bad Day When…

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment. The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar. You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted. The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen. Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!” You…

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Nude Beach

Chuck decides to bring his wife and son to the nude beach one day. They pick out a spot and little Joey goes off to play while Chuck’s wife sunbathes. Being the beautiful day that it is Chuck decides to go for a swim. About a half an our goes by and little Joey comes running up to his mother and says, “Mommy, Mommy, I saw some lady’s boobies and they’re bigger than yours!” She calmly tells her son, “The…

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Disgusting Records

Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all…

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A Frog With Talent

A woman was looking for the perfect gift to give to her husband on his birthday. While in a pet store she just couldn’t decide on what to get. The clerk suggested a big bull frog. “Well, how much is the frog?” asked the woman. “200 Dollars,” replied the clerk. “Why would I spend 200 dollars on a frog?” she replied back. “Well lady,” the clerk said, “This frog gives head!” So as it turns out the woman buys the…

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The Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers) Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual…

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50 ways to annoy your roomate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.…

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Bishop & the Bellringers

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,”…

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Points System for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the Points System. —————————————— SIMPLE DUTIES: Making The Bed: You make the bed …………………………………………+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……..0 You throw the…

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux…

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were standing at Heaven’s Gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Thibodeaux: “How did you get here?” Boudreaux: “Hypothermia. You?” Thibodeaux: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of screwing around and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”…

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