Oy Jokes - page 82

Help MOMMY!!!

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil’ Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr. said, “Well, his unit is too small. An old wives’ tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he…

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A warning from the judge

The Old Witness A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You…

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GASH

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by his bed rings… “This is your doctor,” said the serious voice. “We just got the results back from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life.”…

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WHO SAID THAT?

It was a warm Friday afternoon toward the end of the school year when Miss Adams said to her third-grade class “Give me your attentions, girls and boys. I’m going to write some quotations on the board and the first person who can tell me who said each one may leave early today.” She wrote “Give me liberty or give…” Before she could finish the phrase, little Tiffany shouted “Patrick Henry”. “Very good, Tiffany”, smiled Miss Adams. “You may leave.”…

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Poor Preacher

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you, Son,” the pastor replied. “But why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

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If You Don’t Know Heimlich …

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s nuts, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank…

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Hedgehog

One day Little Johnny ran into the bathroom while his mother was just getting out of the shower. “Mommy, where’s your little willy?” “Well, Johnny, only boys have willies. Girls have hedgehogs.” The next day, Little Johnny ran into the bathroom again, but this time, his grandmother was just getting out of the shower. Granny tried to cover herself quickly, but Little Johnny said, “It’s okay, Mommy already told me about willies and hedgehogs… but how did yours die?” “Why…

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CPR

A five-year-old boy walks into his parents’ bedroom just as his full-chested mom is about to put on her bra. “What are those, Mommy?” he asks, pointing to her breasts. “Oh, those are balloons, Jimmy. When women die, they inflate and float you up to Heaven.” The following week, Jimmy runs into the kitchen where his mother is preparing lunch. “Mommy, come quick, Aunt Betty is dying!” cries the little boy. “What do you mean she’s dying??” asks Mommy. “She’s…

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Startling Statistics

The following company has a little over 500 employees with these statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone, 84 were…

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Still More ‘RAN-DUMB’ Thoughts

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Don’t worry about the world ending today….It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people THINK you are. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing…

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Read JokeStill More ‘RAN-DUMB’ Thoughts