Nou Jokes - page 29

Feeling fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.” “Did…

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Minister’s Resignation

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or even writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation, he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.” Right…

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Bar Talk Interpretations

No, really, I’m O.K. to drive… – I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I’m going with I’m not used to these darts… – I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I’m this bombed. Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes…(male to female) – You would look great face down in my lap. Want to check out my new car stereo? (male to female) – I have…

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A Thinking Problem

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone–“to relax,” I told myself–but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but…

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Bricklayer’s Poor Planning

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer’s report … a true story. Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer…

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Martoonie

A lady who had already had several drinks, walks into a bar, slumps on the bar and asks the bartender for a “martoonie wid a pickle in it”. The bartender somewhat amused by her request, fixes her a martini and places an olive in it. As soon as the bartender places the drink in front of the lady, she picks up the glass, downs the drink, slams the glass on the bar and says “Bartender, gimme anoder martoonie wid a…

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Where’s God?

Two little boys live in a small town and whenever there’s trouble the local folks know these two boys done it. So finally the parents had enough and decided to talk to the preacher. “Preacher, what can we do?” the mother asked. The preacher asked to send him the youngest of the 2. They did so. The preacher asked the young boy, “Where’s God?” The little boy didn’t know. “One more time, boy, WHERES GOD?” Well the boy was so…

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Take it to the river

A Boston preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great enthusiasm he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater enthusiasm he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the pornography in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”…

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Most Useful Word in English

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word “fuck.” Out of all the English words that begin with the letter “F”, fuck is the only word that is referred to as the “f” word. It’s one magical word. Just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, is derived from German — the word ‘flicken’ which means to strike. In English fuck…

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Delusions of Grandeur

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a “Lord Nelson.” The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similariy of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men…

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Read JokeDelusions of Grandeur