M ms Jokes - page 70

Computer, Religious

Mergers

With corporate mergers in the news these days, here are a few that might be fun. Xerox and Wurlitzer: To make reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: The merged company will be called Fairwell, Honeychild Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Keebler: Will be renamed Poly Warner Cracker W.R Grace Co., Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: Hale Mary, Fuller Grace 3M and Goodyear: Will be called MMMGood John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Will be Deere Abi Honeywell,…

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Wedding

Gone Fishin’

A bellhop at a really nice resort takes a young couple up to the bridal suite, and drops off all their luggage. A short while later, he sees the groom heading out of the lobby, wearing waders and carrying a fishing rod and a tackle box. He is a little puzzled, so he goes over to the groom and says, “Excuse me sir, but shouldn’t you be upstairs making love to your wife?” The groom replies, “Well, I would, but…

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Funny Stories

The Nurse Who Got It All Wrong

Dr. Masters and Dr. Johnson were discussing the performance of Nurse Ratchett who seemed to have trouble understanding the simplest instruction. Dr. Masters said, “I notice Nurse Ratchett always mixes up the words in any instruction I give her. Why, just recently, I told her to give Mr. Jones an injection of two-milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. What she did was to give him an injection of 10-milligrams every two hours. Mr. Jones damn near died on us!” “Tell…

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Funny Stories

A Royal Pain in the …

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. Se came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,…

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Blonde

TONS of Blonde Jokes

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block! 2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in? “Have another beer.” 3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine? “Daddy! I want to go to Miami 4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it? Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the…

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Golf, Indian

Ancient Ritual

Many Indian tribes of South America practiced a little known ritual..only recently discovered by archeologists. It seems that in order to please their gods they would sacrifice a virgin once a year. They would do this by hanging her from a tree till death. However, rather than taking her down they would leave her hanging there until she would decompose. When that time came they would all gather in a circle around her body and sing “Swing Low, Sweet Cherry-rot”..

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Wedding

Now Hear This

A man suspected that his wife was having a hearing problem. One night he positioned himself across the room from her as she sat in her favorite chair, her back to him. Softly he asked, “Can you hear me?” When he didn’t get an answer, he moved closer and repeated, “Can you hear me?” Still no answer. He moved closer again and asked, “Can you hear me?” Finally he repeated his question from directly behind his wife’s chair, to which…

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Religious

Mom in a Huff

Sunday dinner with my mother, Adah, my father, Fred, and my three siblings was always a lively event. On one occasion, all of us, except my mother, were in a silly mood, and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table. “Please pass the meat, Pete.” “May I have a potatah, Adah.” “I’d give you the moon for a spoon.” After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough. “Stop this nonsense right now! Let’s have some meaningful…

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Little Johnny

Conversations of Little Johnny with the Mayor

On the campaign trail, the mayor running for re-election walks up to a house of his campaign adviser and rings the doorbell. When a small boy opens the door, the mayor introduces himself, “Hello there, little boy! What’s your name?” “Little Johnny,” replies the small boy. “Well, Little Johnny, I’m Mayor Hoffman. I’m running for re-election. Can I speak to your father?” “He’s in the shower right now,” answers Little Johnny with a giggle. “Oh! Well, is your mother in…

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Heaven

Heaven or Hell ?

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and TV set in it. There’s another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV. The new arrival asks the man on the couch, “So, is this heaven or hell?” The man looks up and says, “Well, there’s no windows or doors, and no apparent way out.” “Oh,” says the first guy. “So it’s hell?” “Well,” says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, “but…

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