Ing Jokes - page 488

Job Selection

Manpower was recently selecting a new research officer for General Motors. Part of selction process involved asking the three shortlisted women what they would do if they were overpaid $5,000. The first women said that she would spend all the money on new clothes and shoes and hope that she wouldn’t have to pay it back. The second women said that she would invest the money on the Dow, double her money overnight and pay the $5,000 back. The third…

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Cold Day

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll…

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Her Alibi

Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies, all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at HER house and was sorry she had neglected to telephone.

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Oh, the REGRETS!

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than…

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Proposal Agreement

I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that? Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied. Section 1.01. I?ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream ?Who?s your daddy? and grunt like a sea lion. Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay. Section 2. I fully understand that a man?s…

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Guaranteed Weight Loss

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risk. As he wondered how the heck he was ever going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed like hell,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day, 10-lb. weight loss program. The next day there was a knock at the door and when he answered,…

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What Stopped Him?

A widow, recently married to a widower, was talking with an old friend who laughingly remarked: “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your new husband sometimes talks about his first wife.” “Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the other replied. “What stopped him?” “I started talking about my next husband.”

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Special License

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road going 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over. When she had finally stopped, the officer said, “License and Registration, please.” “It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to drive this way,” she said, smiling. “That’s impossible!” the officer replied. “I’ve never heard of such a license.” The blonde reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the office said, “Just as I…

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From Black Fella to White Fella

From Black Fella to White Fella. Dear White Fella, somethings you ortta know. Firstly, When I’m born I’m black, When I grow up I’m black, When I’m sick I’m black, When I go in the sun I’m black, When I’m scared I’m black, When I’m cold I’m black, When I die I’m still black. But you white fella, When you’re born you’re pink, When you grow up you’re white, When you’re sick you’re green, When you go in the sun…

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Drunken Excuses

There was a cop that had pulled a man over when he appeared to be drinking and driving. The cop told him that he was going to have to take a breathalyzer test and the man replied “I can’t do that, I have asthma and can’t hardly breath anyway. The cop said “Well, I guess we will have to go down to the station and get some blood drawn”. The man said “No, I can’t do that, I am anemia…

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