Ing Jokes - page 428

Another Marine vs. Sailor Joke

A Marine enters the restroom and sees a sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, “It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you take a piss.” The sailor replies, “Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I’d have to do is take off my hat.”

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Hard as Nails

Grandpa hears some banging noises on the side of the house. He looks out the window and sees his grandson with a hammer, driving some weird-colored nails into the side of the house. “Junior,what are you doing with those nails?” Junior looks up at Grandpa, and replies.”These aren’t nails, Granpa, they’re worms!” Sure enough, on closer look they are! “Where did you get those from, boy? Worms are supposed to be soft and squishy, NOT hard and firm like that!”…

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Grandpa?

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon became…

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Not able to grasp…..

Jon’s working at the lumbermill, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.” Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 1998. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on…

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Antz

Three ants, Joe, Bob, and Billy, were living in an ant hill right in the middle of a woman’s yard. They were sleeping peacefully, until they were suddenly awakened by water rushing down and flooding the hill. The three friends barely escaped. Having lost their home, they decided to enter the house and find somewhere to sleep. They walked into the woman’s bedroom, and began talking over their “room” assignments. Joe had decided to sleep in one of the woman’s…

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Golden Years

The Golden Years are here at last. I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw, My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks, No sense of smell, I look like hell, The Golden Years have come at last, The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

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Mixed Messages

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, “You need more tail!” The father turns to his son and says, “Son, I’ll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly…

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Sesame Seed Buns

I took my 4-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald’s for dinner one evening for a “guy night.” As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, “Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?” I responded that they were tiny seeds and were okay to eat. He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, “Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in…

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